Fractured Fairy Tales Starring Mario
by D. Patterson
Summary: What would happen if Mario climbed a giant beanstalk and discovered the Yoshi that laid the golden egg? Or if Toad was made of gingerbread and wrecked havoc in the Mushroom Kingdom? Find out the answer to these questions and more! COMPLETED!
1. Prologue

# Fractured Fairy Tales Starring Mario

**Disclaimer**:I don't own the rights to Super Mario Brothers, any of the main characters, or the fairy tales I use in this story.The Nintendo characters belong to – well – Nintendo.The Fairy Tale characters belong to all the fairies and elves and trolls that worked their butts off to make those wonderful stories.I'm just a poor sap who has nothing but time on his hands.Anyway, enjoy!

**_Authors Note_**_:_This story will be divided into a prologue, six chapters, and an epilogue; each chapter will be a different fairy tale "starring" a different Mario character.It may take a while to complete the entire story because I am also working on another Mario fanfic, "Amnesia", as well as a Pok`emon horror fanfic, "Ready Or Not" (in case you're wondering, this _is_ a shameless promotion!). Please review when finished reading… but constructive criticism only, please.

## Prologue

A young mushroom boy sat on his bedroom floor playing an exciting round of the original Super Mario Brothers (You see, the Mushroom Kingdom isn't quite as technology-advanced as we, here on Earth, are.They don't have Nintendo 64 yet – how primitive).His eyes grew wider and his breath got heavier with each passing moment.

_"I'm almost to Bowser!" _He thought happily.

Mario had just swam his way into the final chamber and was waiting patiently for the hammer brother guard to get sick of just throwing hammers like an idiot and attack.After a while, the hammer brother began charging (well, it was more like a casual walk at the speed of a snail) at Mario.Mario jumped on its head, killing it, and leaped over the final pit of lava onto Bowser's runway.

"So Bowser, we meet at last," the mushroom boy said in his best Mario voice.

"Why yes we do!" "Bowser" said, hammers shooting from his forehead.

"Well, time to say goodbye!"

One of Bowser's hammers hit Mario in the forehead.Mario's firepower drained out of him.Luckily, whenever Mario lost one of his special abilities he became invincible for a few glorious seconds.He ran right through Bowser and was about to jump on the key that would send Bowser to his lava grave.

Suddenly, the T.V. went dead.The flabbergasted boy spun around.

"MOM!" he shouted angrily.

A tall mushroom woman wearing a blue housedress and an apron stood in the doorframe.She had her arms folded across her chest and she was holding the boy's T.V. remote.Her eyes were focused intensely on her son and she didn't look happy at all (you know the way mom's look when they've been disobeyed).

"I told you twenty minutes ago to go to bed," she said sternly.

"But I couldn't sleep!I almost beat Mario!" the boy complained, tears rolling down his cheeks.

The mother's facial features softened.

"Honey, you play too much of the Nintendo.You're teacher called me today and said you put 'Mario' for one of the answers on your history test."

"The question was 'Who saved Princess Peach from Bowser 7,999,802 times'!" the boy sobbed.

"She also said she asked you during math what one plus one is and you said Mario."

"Oh."

The mother lifted her crying child off the floor and tucked him into bed.

"How 'bout," she said, scanning the large bookshelf full of books that had never been touched (and possibly even looked at)."I read you a bedtime story."

"What's a bedtime story?"

The woman sat in the rocking chair beside the boy's bed and opened the brightly colored book.The title on the cover read Mario's Fractured Fairy Tales.

"Long ago, before children had Nintendo _"

"Children didn't always have Nintendo?" The boy interrupted, taken aback.

"Before children had Nintendo, their parents used to read stories to help them go to sleep."

The boy yawned.

"Maybe I can go to sleep without your help, ma," he said sheepishly.

"Nice try," his mom said coolly, flipping through the pages for a story she could read.

"Rats!"

"Oh!Here's a good one!" she said happily."This was a favorite of mine when I was a little girl."

The little boy rolled his eyes and decided to indulge his mother.

_"Once she's outta here I can just go back to my game," _he giggled silently.

The mother cleared her throat and began to read.


	2. Mario And The Beanstalk

Fractured Fairy Tales Starring Mario

# Mario And The Beanstalk

Once upon a time, in the far off land of Mushroomville, there lived two plumbers: Mario and Luigi.

Mario and Luigi were hardworking plumbers; the problem was they were too good at their job.Within a week they had fixed every leaky sink and clogged up toilet in the entire village.They were also very bad businessmen.Whenever a client offered to pay them, Mario refused, always saying the same thing.

"Helping those in need is payment enough."

Within a month of living in Mushroomville, Mario spent all his and Luigi's savings on lottery tickets hoping to get a break.He never even came close.

One day, Luigi had enough.He was making the usual dinner of water with a side of grass.Mario and their mushroom friend, Toad, were sitting at the round kitchen table waiting to be served. 

"Did you go job hunting today?" Luigi asked, adding a dash of salt to the water for flavor.

"Well, I was going to but I got roped into rescuing the princess again," Mario sighed.

A fire surged through Luigi's veins.He slammed the bowl of salty water on the table and pulled Mario out of his seat.

"Why not!" he yelled, shaking Mario violently.

"I don't see you out looking for one," Mario said, his stomach twisting and turning.

Luigi abruptly stopped shaking his brother.Mario fell dizzily back into his chair.

"Well," Luigi blushed."I'm the homemaker.I make dinner and give you a clean home."  
  


"This place is a dump," Toad said.

"Shut up!" Luigi hissed.He turned to Mario."I want you to look for a job right now and don't return until you've found one."

"But Luigi, it's 10:00 at night.All mushroom shops close at 6:00," Mario stated.

Luigi looked out the tiny window at the front of the house and, sure enough, the moon was out and stars were twinkling in the sky.

"Okay, but first thing tomorrow!" Luigi commanded.Mario nodded.

Luigi left to get the plate of grass salad.Mario leaned across the table, grinning ear to ear.

_"That evening backdrop worked like a charm!" he giggled to Toad._

* * * * *

The next morning Mario and Toad went into town.

"I'm sure you'll find a job in no time," Toad said.Nearly every shop the twosome passed had a Help Wanted sign in the window.

"I don't know.No one seems to be looking for assistance," Mario sighed.

They were stopped suddenly by a koopa.He appeared very dignified with a top hat and thick mustache.A wicked grin spread across his lips.

"Looking for a way to make easy money?" he asked.

  
Toad tugged Mario's arm.

_"Let's just ignore this guy," he whispered. __"He's trouble."_

"Easy money?" Mario asked, ignoring Toad's warning.

"That's right."

"How?" Mario asked excitedly.

_"Mario!" Toad hissed._

"Shut up."

"I have three things that can make you very rich," the koopa declared.

"Lemme see!Lemme see!" Mario exclaimed, jumping up and down.

_Why do I even bother? Toad thought to himself sadly._

The koopa reached into his shell and pulled out three tiny beans.He handed them to Mario.

"Is this some kind of new currency?" Mario asked confusedly. 

"No!Those are magic beans.You plant them and – well – why ruin the surprise," the koopa scoffed.

Mario looked at Toad and winked.Toad groaned.

"Thanks," Mario said, walking off.

"Hold on!" the koopa shouted."They're aren't free ya know!That's $50.00 a bean."

_I knew it was too good to be true!  Mario exhaled. A tear hung in his eye as he handed the beans back to the wheeler-dealer koopa. _

"I'm afraid I don't have any money," he said sadly.

"Well, that's not a problem," the koopa said kindly, eyeing Toad."Perhaps we can work out a trade."

"A trade?"

"Sure!I am a slave trader – I mean entrepreneur- and I could use a good worker like your friend there."He nodded at Toad.

Mario looked from Toad, to the beans, to the koopa, and back to Toad.

_"Don't even **think about it," **Toad snarled._

"Well?" the koopa asked expectantly.

* * * * *

Mario whistled happily as he walked into his house.Luigi was making a batch of salty water and grass.Mario gently placed the beans on the round table and grinned dopily at his brother.

"Did you get a job?" Luigi asked.

"No," Mario said. 

"What???" Luigi shouted.

"I got something better!" Mario said, nodding at the beans.

"How are those better?" 

"I'm not sure, but a koopa said they would make us rich!"

"Beans will make us rich?" Luigi asked suspiciously.Mario nodded, still grinning dopily.

"How?"

"I said I'm not sure!"

"Where's Toad?"Luigi demanded.

"Um… he got a job," Mario lied.

Luigi began pacing the little room of the little house.

"I send you out to get a job and you bring back beans," he sighed.

"Magic beans."

"Magic beans that can make us rich."

"That's right."

Luigi snatched the beans from the table and studied them.

"They look like ordinary beans to me," he said thoughtfully."Maybe I can make a three bean casserole."

"No!" Mario shouted, taking the beans from his brother."I'm going to plant them!"

Mario ran to Luigi's grass garden (actually, it was just the front yard but Luigi called it the grass garden).He got on his hands and knees and dug a very shallow hole.He dropped the beans in the hole and skipped back into the house. 

"You're going to go looking for a job tomorrow," Luigi said sternly when Mario returned.

"But-"

"In case those buried beans don't do whatever it is they're supposed to do."

Mario yawned, stretched, and climbed into bed. 

"Fine," he said, humoring Luigi."But you'll see.They'll work."

"Uh, Mario," Luigi said.

"Yes?"  
  


"It's 4:00 in the afternoon.Why are you going to bed already?"

* * * * *

The next morning Luigi ran into the house, sweat dripping from his forehead.Mario was sleeping comfortably in bed, his trademark snot bubble rising in his nose.Luigi shook his brother powerfully.

"Wake up!" he shouted."Mario! Wake up!"

"Aww mom, just five more hours," Mario yawned sleepily.

"Mario!There's a giant beanstalk in our front yard, er, grass garden!" Luigi shouted.

Mario leaped out of bed and ran to the window.A giant beanstalk stood firmly in his front yard, er, grass garden.It stretched farther than they eye could see. 

"Oh my God!" Mario shouted delightedly, running outside.Luigi followed."Do you know what this means?"

"We'll be having beanstalk pizza for the rest our lives?" Luigi asked. 

"No!" Mario said."This is an adventure!I'm gonna climb to the top!"

"But you're supposed to go job hunting today," Luigi whined.

"You said if the beans didn't do their job I had to go job hunting," Mario corrected.

"The beans grew a big-ass beanstalk in our grass garden!I don't feel any richer!"

"That's because all the money is probably all at the top," Mario groaned."Kinda like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow."

"But you said there was no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow."

"This is different," Mario said, starting to climb.

Luigi looked up.The tip of the beanstalk was hidden behind a few dark clouds.He glanced nervously at Mario.

"I don't know," he said cautiously."It looks kind of dangerous."

But Mario was already half way up the stalk.

_I always said that boy had his head in the clouds.I guess this just confirms _

_it. Luigi thought, shaking his head._

* * * * * 

_ _

There wasn't much at the top of the beanstalk.It was just cloud.Mario stepped onto the fluffy ground and was surprised by how firm it was.

_I always knew clouds weren't as airy as they looked. _

_ _

Mario began walking, closely observing his surroundings.Everything looked white, fluffy, and airy.Basically, it was similar to how the inside of Mario's head would look.

After he walked for a mile or so something caught Mario's attention.

"Hey!" he said."That cloud looks just like a castle."

"That's because it _is a castle," a voice from behind him stated.Mario spun around and found the koopa from the day before._

"How did you get up here?"  
  


"It doesn't matter.I'm here to warn you about that castle."

"Warn me?" Mario asked.

"Yes.A giant lives in that castle and she loves eating Italian plumbers."

"I'm an Italian plumber," Mario gasped.

"Then you better stay far away from that castle," the koopa warned.

Mario nodded.Suddenly, a beautiful, song-like voice filled the air.

"Help!" it sang.

"What was that?" Mario asked.

"What was what?" the koopa asked, pretending he didn't hear anything.

"That voice."  
  


"Voice?I didn't hear any voice," the koopa lied.

"Help!'" the beautiful voice repeated.

"It came from that castle," Mario said.

"Must be your imagination." The koopa shrugged.

"Please help!"

"I'd better help," Mario said, running to the castle entrance.

"But I warned you not to go in there!You'll get eaten!"The koopa advised.

"It's my job as a hero to help those in need," 

"Fine!But you can't say I didn't warn you," the koopa smiled.What Mario didn't know was the koopa had a tape player hidden in his shell.The tape he was playing: Songs of Damsels in Distress.He knew if he told Mario to stay away from the castle Mario would go in, and that is exactly what the koopa wanted._Sucker! _(Shall we recap?Yes?No?)

_ _

Mario knocked the large castle door and it slowly squeaked open.

_I hate it when that happens Mario thought. He entered anyway._

The entrance hall of the castle was very plain.Like the outside, it was fluffy, airy, and white.The only difference was the long red carpet that led to a big door.

  
The room behind the door was like the entrance hall (which was like the outside, but you already knew that), only it had a table, nearly 100 feet taller than Mario, in the middle of the room.There was a long ladder leaning against one of the table legs.A note was attached said: **Do not climb this ladder or I will eat you.~Giant Valentina.Mario ignored the note and climbed the ladder anyway.**

The top of the table was like a Thanksgiving spread.Turkeys, potatoes, pies, cakes, every food Mario could imagine was there.There were even a few enormous Big Macs™ from McDonalds™.Mario dived into a bowl of buttery mashed potatoes and began swimming in it.For someone who had eaten salty water and grass salad every day for nearly ten years, Mario was over-joyed to treat his taste buds.

Suddenly, a giant cloud woman, dressed in a silk dress and a parrot headdress, marched into the room.She stood 400 stories tall.Mario quickly scurried out of the mashed potato bowl and hid behind a large turkey.

_That must be Giant Valentina. _

_ _

Valentina sat down at one of the large chairs.She reached for a Big Mac™ when something caught her nose.She sniffed for a moment.

"Fee Fi FO Fum, I smell the mustache of an Italian plumber!"She shouted.

_That doesn't rhyme. Mario thought._

Suddenly, the turkey he was hiding behind started to float.Mario covered his eyes (he figured it he couldn't see Valentina, she wouldn't be able to see him).

"INTRUDER!" Valentina shouted.

When Mario opened his eyes he discovered the turkey wasn't floating at all, Valentina had lifted it from the table.

"Hi," Mario squeaked, waving at the angry cloud woman.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm not sure.See, this smooth-talking koopa sold me some magic beans and they made a beanstalk to grow in my front yard, er, flower garden.I climbed it and found your lovely castle.The koopa warned me about you and how you like to eat Italian plumbers but I heard a cry for help.I'm a hero, you see, so I'm sort of obligated to rescue those in need so I came in."

Valentina appear half humored and half annoyed by the story.She plucked Mario from the table and held him at eye level.

"What are you going to do with me?" Mario gulped, not wanting to know the answer.

"I'm going to cook you for dinner," she answered.

"You're not going to eat me?"  
  


"Why do you think I'm cooking you?" she scoffed.

"But you were about to eat a Big Mac™."

"Honey, do you see how tall I am? Do you honestly think one Big Mac™ will fill me up?" Valentina hissed. 

"But the Big Mac™ was bigger than me!"

"Don't argue," Valentina barked.Mario shut up.

She snapped her fingers and an enormous black bird entered the room.

"Dodo!Take our guest to the kitchen and cook him," Valentina demanded.Dodo sighed, transferred Mario into his enormous black wing, and staggered off.

_"Stupid Valentina always telling me what to do just because I'm her slave. I'll show her," Dodo grumbled as he walked down a long (but boring) hallway.He stopped in front a tiny, padlocked door (actually, it was a normal sized door, but to a 350 story bird it was tiny).He took a silver key from his hat. _

Dodo put Mario down and handed him the key, along with a candle and a match.

_ _

_"There's a staircase on the left of the chamber.Use that key to unlock the prisoners. Don't make your escape until 3:00; that's when Giant Valentina takes her nap."__Dodo whispered._

"This isn't the kitchen?" Mario asked.

"No, now hold your breath." Dodo pushed Mario through the door.

Mario fell in a very cold room completely drenched in shadow.He lite the candle Dodo gave him. A golden light filled the room.Mario discovered he was in a dungeon.Nearly seventy mushroom people were changed to a wall and they all looked miserable.

"Toad," he shouted when he noticed his friend among the ranks.

"I warned you, you idiot,'" Toad hissed.

"Help!" somebody from across the room yelped.

The voice belonged to a girl.Actually, a harp with a girl figure carved into the front.She was a pretty girl in a royal dress; she had long golden hair (her whole body was made of gold so it only stands to reason her hair was gold as well), and a crown sitting on her head.She was attached to the wall.A small dinosaur was chained at her side. 

"Who are you?" the harp-girl sang. 

"I'm Mario.I came to rescue you."

"Thank you!I am Harp-Peach and this is my friend Yoshi, the dinosaur who lays golden eggs," Harp-Peach said gratefully.

"How did you wind up in this dungeon?"Mario asked.

Yoshi explained. "We were happily living in Goldonia, a suburb of Mushroomville, when that nasty Giant Valentina kidnapped us.She took half of my golden eggs to a pawnshop and got a butt load of money, which is how she bought this castle.Now I'm her personal egg layer.Whenever she is low on cash she has me."

"And she took me because I have the most beautiful singing voice in the world and whenever she is feeling down I sing and perk her up," Harp-Peach chimed in.

"That's nice," Mario said.

"Whenever she's in a good mood she eats mushroom people," Harp-Peach said.

"That's not so good."

"There was a prophecy saying you'd come," Yoshi mentioned."It said 'one day a hero will hear a call for help and he will come to the mushroom people's rescue'."

"Actually Crazy Joe said that," Harp-Peach said.

"Oh yeah."

Mario looked to the opposite wall, at all the unhappy mushroom people.

"What about them?Why are they trapped here?" he asked.

"They had friends who traded them for magic beans," Yoshi said. 

Mario looked at Toad and blushed.

"Valentina has her koopa business partner make poor, disobedient, stupid people think magic beans will make them rich.Then she uses black magic to grow a beanstalk, which leads the stupid friend to the castle.She eats the stupid person (stupid people are apparently much tastier than smart people) and uses the traded friends as slaves," Harp-Peach explained.

Mario hung his head.He knew he let Luigi, Toad, and himself down.

"Say," Yoshi thought."Why didn't Dodo chain you up?"

"He was supposed to take me to the kitchen and cook me," Mario said."But instead he tossed me down here.I think he wanted me to save all of you!"

He remembered he still had the silver key Dodo gave him.He quickly unlocked Harp-Peach, Yoshi, and all the mushroom people.

"It feel so good to move again," Yoshi said, stretching.

"Dodo said there is a staircase to the left of the chamber," Mario recalled.

He grasped his candle and moved to the left wall of the chamber.There was a fluffy white staircase, just as Dodo said.The mushroom people cheered.

"Shhh," Mario hissed, putting his finger to his lips."Dodo said to wait until 3:00 to escape because that's when Valentina takes her nap."

"Does anyone know what time it is now?" someone in the crowd of mushroom people asked.

"4:30." Another said.

"Shoot," another snapped.

"Should we wait until tomorrow?" Mario asked.

"We can't.Giant Valentina will be expecting you for dinner," Harp-Peach whispered.

"She never invited me," Mario said thoughtfully.

_"Told ya," Toad whispered to his neighbor._

"No, she'll be expecting to eat you for dinner." Harp-Peach rolled her eyes.

"Oh."

"There's no telling what she'll do when she finds out Dodo sent you down here to save us," Yoshi gasped."She has the biggest temper I've ever seen."

"And it's almost dinner time," a mushroom person shrieked.

"It's now or never," Peach said.

"Let's go.Just be quiet," Mario warned.

With Mario in the lead, the pack crept up the fluffy staircase.Mario opened the door at the top of the stairs and stood aside, allowing the hoard slip out.Quietly they jogged down the boring hallway, through the boring dining room, and into the boring entrance hall.They were almost at the door when that wheeler-dealer koopa spotted them.

"VALENTINA," he shouted at the top of his lungs.

Yoshi angrily shot out his extremely long tongue and consumed the goomba.

"Fee Fi FO Fum," Valentina shouted, storming into the hall."I smell a bunch of little escapees."

_"She doesn't even rhyme," Mario whispered to Yoshi._

Valentina grabbed one of the screaming mushroom people and swallowed him whole.

"I'm going to do that to each and every one of you if you don't get back to your cell right now!" she commanded.Mario suddenly caught her eye.

"HEY!I thought I told Dodo to cook you," she shouted, snapping her fingers.Dodo walked into the room, grumbling under his breath.

"What do you want?"

"Didn't I tell you to cook that Italian plumber?" Valentina shouted, pointing at Mario.

"Yeah."

"Well, why didn't you?"

"Well," Dodo said, nervously shifting his weight from foot to foot."It's like this.You're a bitch and I'm tired of taking orders from you."Without warning, he punched Valentina in the face and knocked her to the ground. 

"Run!"He shouted to the escapees.

Mario pushed open the door and led the rebellion out of the castle.

They ran for a mile or so when Mario saw the tip of the beanstalk; they were almost home free. Mario glanced over his shoulder.Valentina was charging towards them at an accelerated rate.Dodo was quick at her heels.

"Hurry," Mario urged the crowd.

He impatiently waited for all sixty-nine mushroom people to slide down the beanstalk as if it were a fire pole.Then Harp-Peach.Then Yoshi.They were safe from the castle its the horrible memories.Unfortunately, Valentina caught Mario. 

"I suppose I'll just have to eat you raw," she laughed.

She held Mario above her wide-opened mouth; her hot breath sweeping over his tiny body. She was about to swallow him whole when Dodo head-butted her in the, well, butt.Valentina lost her balance.She dropped Mario to the ground and fell head first through a gap in the clouds.Though she was a giant, the beanstalk was nearly thirty times bigger than her.

When the crowd below saw Valentina plummeting head first to the ground they scurried out of the way.Valentina smashed into Mario's house.The impact killed her instantly.Dodo flew to the ground and Mario slid safely off his back.

"All hail Mario!The wicked giant is dead," a mushroom person shouted.

"All hail Mario!The wicked giant is dead," the rest of the crowed repeated.

They all gathered around Mario, lifted him onto their shoulders, and carried him through the streets of Mushroomville.

Toad turned to Luigi.

"Next time, YOU take him job hunting," he snarled, and chased after the crowd.

* * * * *

  
Mario wrote a book about his adventures in the cloud castle.He entitled it **The Beanstalk And Me.The book made it on all the best-seller lists and he made a very hefty profit.**

Luigi opened The Beanstalk Café.It was the most popular restaurant in Mushroomville.Amazingly, beanstalk was terrific in coffee.At first only the trendy people went there, then people who weren't trendy but liked to think they were, and finally everyone in the mushroom kingdom drank Luigi's Beanstalk Coffee™.Luigi employed Harp-Peach as the lounge singer on Monday and Wednesday nights.

Yoshi found out he was a boy and therefore couldn't lay eggs.He met a nice dinosaur named Susie and they now live somewhere in Idaho.

Toad forgave Mario for trading him into slavery and helped him co-write his book.

Dodo bought the cloud castle and opened it to the public as an amusement park.

Valentina went to hell and is now spending eternity laying golden eggs for the devil (played by Bowser, who was promised a cameo in each fairy tale.)

All in all it can be said, that they all lived happily ever after.

**The End**


	3. Princess Peach and the Pea

Fracture Fairy Tales Starring Mario

**Princess Peach and the Pea**

**Written by Slayerman2001**

**O**nce upon a time, in the Land of Mushroomvania (located somewhere between the Land of Oz, the Land of Narnia and the Land Before Time), the Royal Family was in the midst of serious turmoil. Prince Luigi's 45th year was a mere week away and if he did not marry a Princess by his birthday he'd be unable to gain control of the throne when his brother, the current King (it's-a me, Mario!) met his maker (no, not God - Shigeru Miyamoto). The denizens of Mushroomvania were well-aware there would be a potential upheaval of power and, frankly, they couldn't care less. King Mario was one of the most incompetent leaders ever born, and it seemed unlikely his younger, even less competent and far more cowardly brother would make a suitable replacement. Had they known about the bet that occurred 7 years earlier, and the horrifying terms of the bet's winner, however, every person living within Mushroomvania's borders would be working their tail off to help Prince Luigi find a bride.

...

King Mario paced the palace's Great Room, trying to devise a way for his brother to meet a Princess, fall in love and marry her within a seven day period. A dilemma made tougher by the fact that every Princess in the world resided in Princessland, and none ever ventured to Mushroomvania. Not since King Mario knocked back a few too many Fire Flower juices at a Royal mixer a few years earlier, stripped down to his skivvies and tried to get everyone to join him in doing Electric Slide. It was not a pretty sight. Incidentally, this was also the reason people from Oz, Narnia, Wonderland, the North Pole and Nebraska always opted to take the "scenic route" when faced with the choice of either taking a two and a half hour shortcut through Mushroomvania or traveling an extra three weeks to get to their destination. Incidentally, the scenic route wasn't very scenic at all. It was mostly arid desert land… still a prettier image than nearly-naked Mario's belly jiggling as he flopped around the dance floor. Sweet dreams, readers!

Yoshi and Toad, the royal advisers, exchanged nervous glances as they watched King Mario pace. They had uncovered some very distressing news while snooping through the King's personal files, and they hated having to tell him when he was already so stressed out (under normal circumstances they would have relished such an opportunity, but neither wanted to lose his job. The lack of adviser positions was astonishing. Damn economy!).

"_What are you waiting for?_" whispered Yoshi. "_Tell him_."

"_Hell no! You tell him," _Toad hissed.

"_You've known him longer!" _Yoshi insisted.

"_Yes, but he's closer with you! I haven't even been relevant since Super Mario Brothers 2!_"

Yoshi groaned. "_This is getting us nowhere. One of us needs to tell him!_"

"_Rock, paper, scissors," _Toad suggested.

"_That is the most juvenile things I've ever heard," _Yoshi sniff_e_d_._

"_Rock, paper, scissors_," Toad suggested.

"_Okay_," Yoshi relented.

Each made a fist. Rock, Scissors, Paper - SHOOT! Toad was paper; Yoshi was rock. Paper covers rock. Toad won, Yoshi lost. Game over.

"_Best two out of three?"_ Yoshi asked, but Toad had vanished. The echo of his footsteps was already fading. Yoshi's brow furrowed.

"Douche."

Taking a deep breath and wringing his wrists, Yoshi took a few timid steps into the Great Room. Oh, how Yoshi despised the Great Room. The name alone was ironic, since the room wasn't "great" at all. On top of being an incompetent leader, King Mario had notoriously bad taste. The Great Room reflected that bad taste in every sense of the word. Where smooth marble had once magnificently reflected the sunlight, stained, shaggy purple carpet now covered the floor. The elegant chandelier was replaced with a disco ball. An overstuffed bean bag chair was used in lieu of the majestic, solid-gold throne favored by past Kings. Neon signs testifying such gems as "Cocktails" and "Bada Bing!" adorned the walls, replacing oil-painted portraits of Mushroomvania's previous rulers - including Mario's own father and grandmother! Yoshi gagged at the injustice of it all. The room didn't resemble Royal Quarters so much as it did a stoner's bedroom in 1973. Taking a few more steps into the travesty of a room, Yoshi cleared his throat. The carpet felt wet and squishy beneath his feet. King Mario had either spilled a can of soda or…gross.

"What is it Yogi?" asked King Mario.

"Yoshi, sir."

"Huh?" King Mario scratched his mustache.

"My name is Yoshi."

"You came in here to tell me your name is Yoshi?"

"Yes. I mean no!" Yoshi closed his eyes, rubbed his temples and took a deep breath. He could feel the migraine coming before it even started. He and Mario had the same exchange every time they spoke. It occurred to Yoshi, not for the first time, that he - a dinosaur with the brain the size of a peanut - was more intelligent than the ruler of an entire country.

Begrudgingly, Yoshi let the issue of his name drop and got to the matter at hand. "I have some disturbing news."

"Disturbing?" King Mario's eyes flashed with macabre curiosity.

"I'm afraid so," Yoshi said somberly.

"That's not good, right?"

"No."

"My head hurts," King Mario whined. He belly-flopped into the bean bag "throne" and flipped on his lava lamp. The bright bubbles of lava floating in stagnant water both amused and comforted him.

Yoshi's migraine worsened. He wondered if finding a new career would be way to go. He had an MBA from the University of Mushroomvania - he could start a job where he didn't have to put up with stupid plumbers-turned-Royalty. Of course, he'd have to give up his benefits package and all the money he had in his 401K. And he was only 15 years away from retirement. It sure was nice to dream, though.

Yoshi shook away notions of happiness and waited for Mario to stop pouting before pulling a manila folder from his saddle.

"Toad and I were analyzing Prince Luigi's records and we discovered something quite shocking."

He handed Mario the folder and braced himself for the explosion of grief and anger. Mario slowly opened the folder. His jaw dropped.

"You found a picture of dinosaurs wearing string bikinis?"

"Eek!" Yoshi's cheeks grew rosy as he snatched his "personal" photograph and stuffed it back into his saddle. He pointed to the document he _wanted _King Mario to see.

King Mario scanned the paper. His breath caught in his throat and salty tears rolled down his cheeks. Yoshi mistakenly assumed The King was upset over what he was reading. He should have known better.

"I sure do miss her," Mario sighed.

"Who?"

"The author of this document; my lovely wife, Calendria." King Mario said wistfully, staring at her name and remembering the leggy blonde who always wore a pearl necklace and beautiful green (nearly non-existent) minidress.

The migraine karate-chopped the center of Yoshi's forehead as he explained for the 2,000th time that Calendria was NEVER Mario's wife, she was his former secretary.

"We were engaged!"

"Just because you asked her to marry you two minutes after hiring her doesn't mean you were engaged."

"Our love was true and sincere! The day she died was the saddest day of my life." Mario snorted back tears at the memory.

"Calendria didn't die, she quit after marrying your stable boy," Yoshi moaned.

"SHE DIED!"

Yoshi knew the argument would never end if he didn't nip it in the bud. And there were far more urgent matters to attend to.

"Did you read the statement Calendria wrote about Prince Luigi?" Yoshi asked.

"Um"

Yoshi snatched the paper from King Mario's hand and read it aloud.

"It is a long-believed fact that Prince Luigi was born on April 16th, 1964. However, while snooping through... er... reviewing his mother, Queen Petunia's, personal journal, I have discovered the Prince's actual birthday is April 9th, 1964. The Queen, well-known for being … ahem… a weather aficionado, determined that the 16th was a better birth date for her youngest son because it was sunnier. It was also the day the Queen found the "cutest little gown" at the annual clearance sale at Macy's - making the occasion extra special…"

Mario began snoring. Not one to waste an opportunity, Yoshi whacked the King in the face with his tail. Mario jolted awake, blinked a few times and stared at Yoshi vacuously.

"Do you realize what this means?" Yoshi prodded.

"What?"

"Tomorrow is April 9th….." Yoshi hoped the gravity of the situation would sink through Mario's thick head. Once again, he was hoping for too much.

"So?"

"**SO... IF LUIGI DOESN'T MARRY A PRINCESS BY TOMORROW, MUSHROOMVANIA WILL BE**** ALL MINE!**"

Shocked, Yoshi spun on his heel and Mario leapt out of his bean bag throne. Bowser leaned coolly against the door frame of the Great Room, his beefy green arms were folded across his chest and a smirk flickered across his lips. Evil flashed in his eyes as he tilted back his head and began to chortle.

"You're not welcome here," Mario said, sounding as threatening as he could while his crotch became dark and wet. Yoshi closed his eyes and hoped his migraine would just turn into an aneurysm and kill him.

"Maybe I'm not welcome today," Bowser growled, "But tomorrow this Land will be mine. I won our bet fair and square, and I'm going to turn Mushroomvania into my own personal hell! MWA HA HA HA HA HA!" With that, Bowser left. His horrible laughter hung in the air for a moment like an anvil.

"What are we going to do?" Yoshi whimpered.

King Mario was speechless. And in need of a dry set of overalls.

...

"I don't understand," Toad squeaked, pacing in a circle behind Yoshi, who was pacing in a circle behind King Mario, who was pacing in a circle. "Even if Prince Luigi doesn't get married tomorrow, Bowser won't technically take control until King Mario, uh, meets his maker. That might not be for years, right?"

"Eh, not exactly," Mario said sadly. He flopped into his bean bag chair, but even his lava lamp wasn't enough to pull him from the funk he was in. Instead, he twisted his pet rock it in his fingers. "There was a second term to my bet with Bowser."

"Oh no," Yoshi sighed.

"What was the second term?" Toad asked, dreading the answer even before hearing it.

"If Luigi doesn't find a Princess wife by his 45th birthday… Bowser is going to fling me off the roof of the palace."

Toad grimaced. Yoshi sighed. Mario ate a booger.

"Don't you have any 1-up mushrooms?" Toad asked.

"He got rid of all of them," Yoshi grunted. "When Calendria got married.."

"Died," Mario intercepted.

"She was wearing an emerald wedding dress, so our illustrious King banned everything green from Mushroomvania."

Toad pointed at Yoshi's skin. "But you're gre…"

"I'm turquoise!" Yoshi hissed. Toad recoiled.

Twenty minutes passed.

"I have an idea," shrieked Toad, snapping his fingers. "Let's create a magic glass slipper! It'll only fit one girl's foot - and that girl will be Prince Luigi's perfect match! They'll be soul-mates (pun intended)! They can be married immediately and we'll all live happily ever after!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," Yoshi snarked.

Toad, however, refused to be daunted by Yoshi's rebuke. He cheerfully searched his brain for another idea.

"Okay," he finally chirped. "Let's get a big ole barrel of straw and see if any of the women in Mushroomvania can spin it into gold! If one can, she's clearly worthy of Prince Luigi's love! They can get married and we'll all live happily ever after!"

"We tried that last month," Yoshi reminded him. "The girl got cut by the spinning wheel and sued us."

"Okay... I guess it's back to the drawing board," Toad said coolly, even as a vain in the center of his forehead started pulsating wildly.

"What are we going to do?" Mario wailed. "I really don't want to be flung from the roof of the palace!"

"Maybe the blow to the head will knock some sense into you," Yoshi mumbled.

But Mario didn't hear him. He was lost in a memory from long ago - the night of the Royal mixer.

**7 Years Earlier...**

Mario drunkenly stumbled to the bar to order his 14th bottle of Fire Flower juice. As he waited for the bartender to mix in some Star Power, somebody tapped him on the shoulder. Turning, Mario found Bowser looming over him. With fists clenched and adrenaline pumping through his body, Mario looked his mortal enemy square in the eyes and….

"Hey buddy!" he exclaimed happily, throwing his arms around Bowser in a tight embrace.

"Uh…." Bowser said.

"Hey.. Hey bartendererer! Get my Bowser buddy friend a… a Fire Flower juicy!" Mario shouted. The bartender was happy to oblige since King Mario was one hell of a tipper. Mario turned his attention back to Bowser.

"How are you?"

"I'm.. fine… I guess," remarked Bowser, shifting uncomfortably and running a claw through his fiery red hair. "I actually came here to fight you. I figured, you know, lots of people watching. Be the perfect opportunity to kick your ass and humiliate you."

Mario laughed hysterically. "Oh Brownie! You always know percizley what to say to make me laugh! I love you man!" He hugged Bowser again, much to the dragon's dismay.

"Okay," Bowser said. "You can stop that."

"Hey! Hey Bosser! Hey, our drinkies are ready!" Mario took their Fire Flower juices from the bar, gave the bartender 15 gold coins, and chugged his beverage. Bowser discreetly tossed his drink over his shoulder, accidentally setting a dancing Birdo on fire. Half the room screamed in terror as the other half searched for a fire extinguisher. Mario laughed so hard his sides began to hurt.

"You're so funny, dude! Man, you're the life of the party! I love you, man!" Mario attempted to hug Bowser a third time, but Bowser was prepared.

"No more hugs!" he said, holding up a claw protectively. Mario cared little about the rejection and began shaking his rump as the opening notes of the Electric Slide started playing over the loud speaker.

"I LOVE THIS SONG!"

As he watched Mario act like a total buffoon, a brilliantly evil idea struck Bowser. Putting an arm around Mario, he leaned in and asked, "Are you a gambling man, Your Majesty?"

"Bizzle flisherblib," Mario intelligently responded.

"Good," Bowser smirked. Scanning the room, he spotted a gaggle of well-groomed (i.e. high maintenance) Princesses from Princessland hovering by the D.J. booth, sipping cocktails and scrunching their noses at the loser King of Mushroomvania as he took a leak in Queen Valentina's purse!

"You see that group of lovely ladies over there?" Bowser asked, nodding to the Princesses. Mario put his member back where it belonged and squinted across the room. Though his vision was a tad fuzzy, he found the women (in reality he was staring at a couple of plants and a zebra - needless to say, it was a wild party).

"Purty girlies! I love you, Bowsie Baby!"

"Yes, I'm sure you do. Listen, I bet if you strip to your underwear and do the Electric Slide, those Princesses will join you on the dance floor!"

"Er... I dunno... I'm… I'm a wee little bit drunkie! Can you tell? I love you!"

"Women love fat, ugly, drunk men! I'm sure they'll join you. But if for some _crazy _reason they don't, I win the bet."

Mario's head was spinning, and he had a feeling this bet wouldn't make sense even if he were sober. Still, he was having too much fun to let silly stuff like logic interfere with his buzz, so he asked, "What do you gonna give me if I.. um.. oh, yeah.. win..?"

"If you win, I'll buy you a whole year's supply of Fire Flower juice," Bowser promised.

Sweet, sweet Fire Flower juice! Mario felt so warm every time he drank it. And it did make him pretty smooth and cool with the ladies! It was an offer he couldn't refuse.

"You're ON, bitch!" Mario exclaimed, taking Bowser's claw and shaking it. Mario then promptly puked into Valentina's purse, tore off all his clothes and began to clumsily make his way to the dance floor.

"Not so fast," Bowser said, grabbing Mario's arm and pulling him back. "There's still the matter of what **I** win if **you** lose…"

...

A knocking at the palace's front door startled Mario from his memory. Toad and Yoshi went to tell their visitor they were mid-crisis and to go the hell away.

"I could have had a year's worth of Fire Flower juice," King Mario bemoaned.

When the advisers returned a few minutes later, they were followed by a petite young lady. A royal blue shawl was draped over her shoulders and she was drenched from head to toe.

"Is it raining outside?" Mario asked.

"No, she accidentally fell into the moat," Toad explained.

"I'm surrounded by idiots," Yoshi groaned. He wondered how to best start a resignation letter. He didn't want to burn any bridges… then again, he'd be long gone by the time anyone read it. Maybe he'd make it short and sweet - SO LONG, SUCKERS!

"My name is Princess Peach," The young lady said. "I was headed back to Princessland, where I live because I'm a Princess, when I became overwhelmed with fatigue. All of your hotels were booked - which makes no sense, really. From what I understand, nobody ever visits Mushroomvania - anyway, I was hoping I could spend the night at your lovely palace. Since, like you, I'm Royalty. A Princess."

"No," King Mario said abruptly.

Yoshi was once again ripped from his thoughts of sweet, sweet freedom and gingerly yanked Mario aside.

"Did you hear what she said?" he asked the King excitedly.

"I wasn't paying attention," King Mario admitted.

SO LONG, SUCKERS!

"Her name is **Princess **Peach from **Princess**land! We should allow her to spend the night, and tomorrow… Prince Luigi can marry her!"

"How do we know she's really a Princess? She could be a peasant girl in disguise," King Mario said carefully.

"You're about to lose your kingdom AND your life because you made a bet with Bowser that you knew you couldn't win, and you're choosing NOW to be cautious?" Yoshi grew more and more baffled by the utter ridiculousness of the entire fairy tale.

Mario shrugged. Yoshi smacked his forehead. Toad tried to come up with another idea. Peach belched and excused herself.

"We need to devise a test to prove she is a real Princess!" Toad declared.

"This'll turn out well," Yoshi said, his voice dripping with unnoticed sarcasm.

"Shall I have my Fairy God Mother create a glass slipper?" Toad asked.

"Should we get the spinning wheel out of the dungeon?" Mario pondered.

"No!," Yoshi exploded, his little body trembling with rage. "We'll do something _really _clever! Let's… allow the PRINCESS to sleep in the most comfortable bed in the whole palace? BUT! We'll put a rock… NO, even better, a PEA under the mattress and… and her soft, supple PRINCESS skin won't be able to HANDLE the PRESSURE! That's the ludicrous way we'll determine if the PRINCESS with a freakin' DIAMOND-ENCRUSTED TIARA and the shawl with the ROYAL EMBLEM stitched across it is really a PRINCESS!"

With the nervous breakdown out of his system, Yoshi crumbled to the floor. It took a moment for his blood pressure return to normal. When it did, Yoshi picked himself up, dusted himself off, took a few gulps of air and waited for the King to renounce his idea as the pile of rubbish that it was.

"Yogi, that's brilliant!"

King Mario threw his arms around Yoshi and thanked him profusely for the "brilliant" idea. He then promptly raised Yoshi's salary by 50% and gave him six additional weeks of vacation time. Any thoughts of anger, irritation or resignation fled Yoshi's mind and he happily wagged his tail. Toad, meanwhile, sulked.

"I've changed my mind. I'm going to let you spend the night," King Mario told Peach when she returned to the Great Room. Peach burst with joy (actually, she had a big bowl of chili for lunch and she was bursting with… nevermind).

As King Mario left to prepare Princess Peach's quarters, he winked at Yoshi. Yoshi winked back and added a thumbs-up. Toad moodily turned from a smiling Peach to grinning Yoshi (Yoshi was happy about his promotion and Peach was happy because she just let out a _really _big…nevermind).

"This stinks," Toad grumbled. He sniffed the air. "Literally."

...

The next morning King Mario, Yoshi, and Toad were lounging in the Great Room, eating breakfast and reading the morning paper. Yoshi was reading the business section, King Mario was giggling at the funnies and Toad was browsing the classifieds.

SO LONG, SUCKERS!

"Hey look," Yoshi said, "Calendria and that stable boy made another million in McDonalds™ stock."

"She died," King Mario chirped, nibbling his toast.

"Good morning," Peach mumbled, dragging herself across the room and flopping into the bean bag throne (despite the fact Mario was already sitting there). She looked an absolute wreck. Her blonde hair was unwashed and frizzled, she wore no make-up and the bags under her sleep-encrusted eyes were blazing. Dried drool was caked to her chin and her nightgown was crumpled and wrinkly. A Princess would NEVER allow herself to be seen in such a disheveled state unless….

"You didn't get any sleep last night?" King Mario feigned shock quite unconvincingly. He gleefully pushed Peach to the floor and did a cartwheel.

"Sleep? What is this foreign concept of which you speak?" Peach moaned, curling up against the surprisingly comfortable (albeit sticky) shag carpet. Her eyelids drooped heavily. "I didn't sleep a wink!"

King Mario grinned from ear to ear. Peach was a true Princess! Mushroomvania was safe from Bowser! Mario pumped his fists in the air, then asked Peach the million dollar question.

"Hey Peach, how would you like to marry my brother?"

"I'm already married," Peach yawned. "That's the reason I didn't sleep last night. I'm so used to my husband's loud, obnoxious snoring that the peace and quiet was driving me bonkers."

King Mario's face dropped. His entire body went numb, save for the jolt of horror that shot through his spine. He had failed. Failed his friends, his family, his people and himself. Why did he keep making bets while drunk? He thought he'd have learned his lesson after drunkenly betting that blasted stable boy he couldn't win Calendria's heart. Before she died, that is. Hanging his head in shame and blinking back tears, Mario gazed sightlessly out the window.

"Mario, I'm home!"

Luigi's voice cut right through Mario's pity party, which rather annoyed him. Luigi bounced cheerfully into the Great Room, on his arm hung a stunningly beautiful girl. She had crystal-blue eyes, layers of luscious red hair and a ruffled yellow gown. Perched atop her head was a diamond-encrusted tiara and draped over her shoulders was a royal blue shawl.

"Where have you been?" Mario shouted at his brother.

"Sorry, bro. I was out all night with my new lady-friend. I met her as I was passing through Princessland on my way to the gas station."

"How do you do?" the girl - who was very clearly a Princess - asked politely.

"Shut up," King Mario snapped. "Luigi, do you have any idea how bad things are right now? Mommy made a, uh, clerical error regarding your birth date. Turns out your birthday is not next week! It's today!"

"Happy Birthday!" Luigi's date sang cheerfully. Mario hated her.

"If you don't get married to a Princess by tonight, Bowser will throw me off the roof!"

"And gain control of Mushroomvania," Yoshi added.

"Yeah, whatever."

"Well," Luigi said, rather bashfully. "I've already fallen madly in love with Daisy. I've asked her to marry me and she's agreed!"

"Who the hell is Daisy?" Mario demanded. Luigi nodded to the young lady at his side.

"Princess Daisy at your service," Daisy giggled playfully.

"Shut up."

Yoshi knew he didn't intervene soon the entire Land of Mushroomvania would be under Bowser's control, and he wasn't about to give up his raise. He took Mario by the arm and led him to a quiet corner of the Great Room, taking care not to step on Princess Peach, who had fallen asleep and was snoring loudly.

"King Mario," he whispered, "why don't you let **Princess** Daisy from **Princess**land speak?"

"I don't have time for idle chitchat!" King Mario said indignantly. "We need to find Luigi a…." It was then an idea the shape of Yoshi's tail hit him really, really hard in the noggin. "Hey! Luigi, your new friend says she is a Princess!"

"I know," Prince Luigi said.

To Yoshi, Mario said, "But how do we know she's really a Princess? Perhaps we should administer your 'Pea Test' again."

"Oh, for Miyamoto's sake!" Yoshi was becoming irritated. "That was a silly test with no merit. Princess Peach didn't even mention the pea..."

"Will you two please keep it down," Peach groggily interrupted.

"Sorry," Mario and Yoshi said in unison.

Before dozing back to sleep, Peach said, "And I did feel that stupid pea under the mattress."

"You did?" Yoshi was genuinely shocked by the revelation.

"Of course I did! My supple Princess skin detected it the moment I laid down, but it's nothing I'm not used to. My husband is a pea farmer. We have peas all over the place. Peas under the mattress, peas on top of the mattress, peas in the shower."

"Sometimes I pee in the shower," Mario announced. Yoshi groaned. Peach scrunched her nose. Toad wondered if he would be successful as a stock broker. Luigi and Daisy made-out like a couple of randy teenagers.

"Anyway," Peach continued. "We have more peas than pearls at my castle." And with that, she went back to sleep.

"I can't believe the 'Pea Test' actually worked," Yoshi said, still reeling from the shock.

"We have to get Daisy in that bed," Mario said, twirling his mustache. "We need solid proof!"

"Can't we just accept the tiara and shawl as solid proof?" Yoshi asked hopefully.

King Mario stared at Yoshi vacuously.

"That's what I thought."

"OUCH!" Princess Daisy shrieked suddenly, putting her hand on her butt cheek and rubbing. Tears of agony rolled down her cheeks (her face cheeks, not her butt cheeks).

"What's the matter, my darling?" Prince Luigi asked.

"My supple Princess skin has detected a pea under the mattress of the bed in the fifth guest bedroom on the fourth floor of the west wing of this palace," Daisy wept.

Toad and Yoshi turned to King Mario.

"That's proof enough," they said together.

...

Prince Luigi and Princess Daisy got married that evening in a beautiful ceremony. Bowser watched from the sidelines. He was pretty pissed, until he noticed King Mario getting drunk off Fire Flower juice at the wedding reception. He bet Mario that Princess Peach would make-out with Mario for 20 seconds if he stripped down to his skivvies. She didn't, though her husband did give Mario one hell of a shiner. By winning the bet, Bowser determined that if any of Prince Luigi's offspring failed to marry a Princess by their 45th birthday, Mushroomvania would be his.

Luigi and Daisy lived the rest of their lives happily together. They never had children, but did adopt 765 dogs. Luckily, each dog married a Princess before his 45th birthday.

King Mario met and married a cute lounge singer from Mushroomville.

Yoshi and Toad resigned after twenty years of loyal service and started an on-the-road comedy act titled "**SO LONG, SUCKERS!**" King Mario saw it and loved it, though he found it hard to believe anyone could be as stupid as the "king" character depicted in the act.

Princess Peach and her pea farmer husband led a quiet life in their palace.

Calendria and her husband, the stable boy, moved to Hawaii. Mario remained convinced Calendria died all those years ago.

Bowser finally got control of the Mushroomvania in 2052. Luckily, by then it was pretty much a ghost town. The only resident was Crazy Joe who, to this day, dresses in drag and pretends to be people's Fairy God Mother.

And so, in true fairy tale fashion, it can be said they all lived happily ever after.

**The End**

_Author's Note_: I originally wrote this Fractured Fairy Tale in 2001, and as I always felt it was the least fleshed out. So I copied and pasted what I had and pretty much re-wrote the whole thing from scratch. I did keep some of the original dialogue and the basic plot is the same, but I fleshed out Bowser's "bet" with Mario and gave Toad a bigger role among other things. I hope everyone enjoys the "new and improved" story! I may go back and edit a few of the other chapters when I have time.


	4. The Gingertoad Man

**The Gingertoad Man**  
  
By Slayerman2001  
  
Once upon a time, about two months ago this Tuesday, the Mushroom Kingdom opened its very first bakery. It was a nifty little place where the mushroom people could buy donuts, bagels, muffins, or a quick cup of coffee on their way to the office. However, the bakery's hottest-selling items (get it? Hottest selling? It's a bakery! C'mon people, it's a joke! Ah, forget it!!!!) were the Gingertoad men.  
  
The idea came to the owner, Luigi, late one Saturday night. Luigi was awake because he was full of inspiration (truth be told, he was full of gas after eating way too much Mexican food earlier in the evening – but I digress). He had been watching television when an infomercial, advertising mushroom shaped cookie-cutters, came on.  
  
"And for the astonishing price of $29.99, you can own an entire set of mushroom-shaped cookie cutters! That's four, count 'em, FOUR, cookie cutters! You can't find that kind of a deal anywhere else!" the goomba host shouted.  
  
"$29.95 for four lousy cookie cutters? You'd have to be a real moron to fall for that," Luigi said, rolling his eyes. He was about to turn the television off and go to bed (his gas was gone... case closed) when the goomba made him an offer he couldn't refuse.  
  
"I'm about to make you an offer you can't refuse! If you call within the next 10 minutes I'm going to throw in a brand-new spatula for only $10.00!!!!!"  
  
"A spatula!! I always wanted one of those!" Luigi exclaimed, looking down at his hands. They were covered in tiny blisters and burns from all the times Luigi was forced to take piping hot cookies off the cookie sheets with his bare hands. "I better call now!"  
  
And so, with four – count 'em FOUR – mushroom-shaped cookie cutters, the idea for the Gingertoad man was born.  
  
- - - - -  
  
One afternoon, after a new batch of Gingertoad men were finished baking, Luigi pulled the tray out of the oven, used his super-handy new spatula to place the cookies on cooling racks, and began decorating. He first coated the front of each cookie with white icing. He then carefully applied red icing to make "head spots", black icing for eyes and smiley faces, and blue icing for vests and pants. When he was all done he placed the Gingertoad men in the display case at the front of the store and they sold like hotcakes. By the end of the day, every Gingertoad man had been sold. Every Gingertoad man, that is, except one.  
  
"That's odd," Luigi said, taking the Gingertoad man and examining it. "Looks perfectly delicious to me."  
  
Luigi took the Gingertoad man into the back of his shop, put him on a plate, and went to get a fork and knife. He figured if nobody else were going to eat the little guy, he would just treat himself. When he returned, the Gingertoad man was standing on the plate taping his foot.  
  
"And just what do you think you're doing?" his demanded.  
  
"What the...!!" Luigi shouted in surprise, dropping his utensils to the floor. "You're ali...!! You're ali...!!! You're ali...!!!!  
  
"Alive?"  
  
"That too! But I was going to say you're a little smudgy under your left eye."  
  
"Oh," the Gingertoad man (who will be known as GM from here on out since that is what's stitched on his underwear) said. He licked his hand and smoothed out the smudge. "Thanks! That would be kind of embarrassing if anyone saw."  
  
"I don't believe it!" Luigi gasped, a tear coming to his eye. He gazed out a little window and blew a kiss to the brightest star twinkling in the indigo sky. "I finally got my wish! I have a son! A real son!! I will call you Pino..." (Wait - that was another insane Italian creator. Sorry, my bad.)  
  
"Yeah, sure," GM interrupted. "That's fantastic, but I really should get going. I have places to go and people to taunt."  
  
"But, I was going to teach you how to fish and tie your shoes and blow up Playstation 2's using very cheap dynamite!"  
  
"Aww, I'm sorry pop, but I'm already a teenager. Therefore, I hate you, resent you, and wish you were dead. You understand, don't you?" GM asked.  
  
"Well, I was a teenage boy myself once. I suppose I do," Luigi said contemplatively. "But I really think this would be an excellent time for some father-son bonding!"  
  
"Well, tough cookies," GM said, hoping onto the floor. "You'll have to catch me first! Run, run, run as fast as you can! You'll never catch me, I'm the.... WHOA!!!!" GM began running off without realizing the fork was still lying on the floor. He tripped over it and landed flat on his face.  
  
Standing up and dusting himself off, he looked up at Luigi and said, "You mind if I try that again?"  
  
"Be my guest."  
  
"Okay, let's see. I'm a teen... I need my independence... die you stupid son of a bitch... okay! Run, run, run as fast as you can! You'll never catch me, I'm the Gingertoad man!!!!" And with that, GM scurried out the front door.  
  
Luigi plopped himself in a chair and sighed. "Now who am I going to take fishing?"  
  
"You can take me," one of the fresh-from-the-over cookies offered.  
  
"What was in that flour?!?!" Luigi asked himself.  
  
- - - - -  
  
Mario sat down to a hearty dinner of spaghetti, lasagna, ravioli, manicotti, pizza, and a diet Coke. After he had finished eating (which was exactly 2 minutes and 38 seconds later – a personal record for Mario), he patted his stomach and said to himself, "Now time for some delicious cherry pie!"  
  
Suddenly, his phone began ringing. Mario stood up and slowly waddled into the living room. He took the receiver off the hook and politely answered, "**BELCHHHHHH**ello?"  
  
"Hello Mario," the strange, deep voice at the other end mumbled.  
  
"Mom?"  
  
There was only silence.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Anyone there?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Must be the wrong number," Mario shrugged, and he promptly hung up. He was about to waddle himself back into the kitchen and eat his pie when the phone rang again.  
  
"Hello?" Mario asked.  
  
"Do you know the muffin man?" the deep-voiced caller whispered.  
  
"Yes, as a matter of fact I do! He's my brother!"  
  
"Oh. Um... Well, then, what's your favorite pastry treat?"  
  
"I'd have to go with jelly donuts, why?" Mario asked, pulling a large green booger out of his nose and flicking it.  
  
"Ew! Gross! I mean....'Silence.'"  
  
"Hello?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"This is getting ridiculous. Peach, is that you?" Mario demanded, not one bit amused.  
  
"Go into your kitchen," the deep voice finally said.  
  
"What? Why?"  
  
"Just do it! I have a surprise for you." And with that, the caller swiftly hung up.  
  
Unsure of what was going on, Mario decided to stupidly oblige, despite the fact that he had no clue as to who the mysterious caller was or what he wanted. When he entered the kitchen, Mario's jaw dropped, his eyes widened in terror, and he let out a high-pitched scream. Standing on the kitchen table was the Gingertoad man. He was clutching a huge butcher knife, covered in a red, gooey substance. An empty pie plate sat at his side.  
  
"You little creep! You ate my dessert!" Mario screamed, his hands clenching into fists. His face was dark purple and steam was shooting out of his ears.  
  
"Yeah. What are you gonna do about it?" GM asked mockingly, sticking his fingers in his ears (well, he would have if he actually had ears... or fingers for that matter) and blowing raspberries at Mario.  
  
"I guess I'll just have to make due with what I've GOT!" Mario snarled, taking a running leap at the tiny Gingertoad man. GM, however, was too fast and quickly ran out the back door. Mario landed on the hard floor with a thud.  
  
"Run, run, run as fast as you can! You'll never catch me, I'm the Gingertoad man!"  
  
There was nothing for Mario to do but pick up his empty pie plate and sob into it.  
  
- - - - -  
  
Peach and Yoshi were playing their weekly game of blackjack on the royal patio when they heard a rustling in the bushes.  
  
"What was that?" Peach asked.  
  
"I'm sure it's just a bird," Yoshi said.  
  
"You're probably right," Peach concurred. They continued their game when, a few minutes later, the bushes began rustling again.  
  
"You want to go see what's making that sound?" Peach asked the little dinosaur.  
  
"No," Yoshi said, turning over a Queen Valentina card. "I have 20, what do you have?"  
  
"Yoshi," Peach said in a hushed, pleading voice. "I would feel much better if you checked out those bushes."  
  
"Oh for crying out loud, fine," Yoshi exclaimed, standing up. He pointed menacingly at Peach. "Don't cheat while I'm gone!"  
  
"I wouldn't do that," Peach cried, a little halo hung above her head. When Yoshi's back was turned, she quickly searched the deck for an ace and a king.  
  
Yoshi poked around in the bushes for a few minutes but couldn't find anything. He was about to return to the table when GM jumped out and shouted, "Boo!"  
  
Yoshi, not one bit startled, folded his arms and asked, "What are you supposed to be? Some kind of graham cracker?"  
  
"I'm a world-famous Gingertoad man," GM said, more than slightly offended.  
  
"Yeah, well, can you keep it down? The princess and I are trying to play a game."  
  
"Ooh!" GM shouted, "I love games!! It wouldn't be Candyland™ by any chance, would it? Cuz I rock at that!"  
  
"No, it's blackjack."  
  
"BLACKJACK!" GM shouted, jumping up and down. "That's even better!" And with that, he ran past Yoshi and jumped onto the table, catching Peach off guard and making her lose control of the deck. Cards went flying all over the patio.  
  
"Not gonna cheat, huh?" Yoshi smirked, raising as eyebrow.  
  
"Oh, shut up."  
  
Twenty minutes later, after all the cards had been gathered, GM stood at one end of the table and began shuffling. Peach and Yoshi sat at the other end and exchanged nervous glances.  
  
"Okay," GM fast-talked. "The name of the game is blackjack! You know how it goes; the first one to get 21 wins the money! Now, how much are you guys willing to bet?"  
  
"Um," Peach stuttered. "I guess I'll start with three coins?"  
  
"I usually don't play for money," Yoshi pointed out.  
  
"Why, are you yellow?" GM taunted.  
  
"No, I'm obviously green. My cousins are yellow. And I really think...."  
  
GM began flapping his arms and clucking like a chicken.  
  
"That's really immature," Yoshi yawned.  
  
Cluck Cluck Cluck  
  
"I get your point, but I really think..."  
  
Cluck Cluck Cluck  
  
"FINE!" Yoshi shouted, slamming five coins on the table. "I'm good at this game anyway!"  
  
"Alrighty," GM said, putting two cards in front of Peach and two in front of Yoshi. He then put two cards; face down, in front of himself. "What do you want to do?"  
  
"Hit me," Peach said, flipping her card over.  
  
"Hit me," Yoshi said, flipping his over as well.  
  
"Aww, no can do kids. I got an ace and a king! Blackjack," GM said gleefully, taking his eight coins. "Care to make any more bets?"  
  
"No way!" Yoshi said definitively. "Not a chance! This is the end of the line. I am not giving up any more of my hard-earned money."  
  
Two hours later both he and Peach were completely broke. While Peach sat with her face in her hands crying loudly, Yoshi just stared angrily at the Gingertoad man.  
  
"Are you even going to give us a chance to win our money back?" Yoshi asked through clenched teeth.  
  
"You know, I was actually giving that a lot of thought just now," GM replied, counting the last of his 99 coins.  
  
"And?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Why you little pipsqueak!" Yoshi said, lunging across the table. "I'll eat every last crumb of you!"  
  
"HA!" GM said, jumping off the table and running back into the bushes. "Run, run, run as fast as you can, you'll never catch me, I'm the Gingertoad man!"  
  
- - - - -  
  
The Gingertoad man ran for miles and miles. He had his fun terrorizing the citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom, but he realized the time had come to hightail it out of there. He was no dummy, after all. As he got closer to the kingdom boundaries, though, he realized he was in big trouble. A long river stood in his way to Freedom, a neighboring village to the Mushroom Kingdom. Being made of gingerbread, GM knew he would instantly dissolve if he tried swimming, and the bridge the Mushroom Kingdom council had been promising to build since 1924 was still in it's non-existent phase. Turning back to see if he was being followed, GM was disheartened to see Luigi, Mario, Peach, and Yoshi all racing towards him carrying pitchforks and torches.  
  
Suddenly, something swept GM off the ground.  
  
"What in the world?" GM asked, looking around. It wasn't long before he found himself staring right into the face of Boswer. "What are you doing?"  
  
"I've been watching you," Bowser said, a hint of red flickering in his eyes. "And I must say, I'm quite impressed with the way you mocked, tortured, and bamboozled those idiots." He pointed to the angry, though rather small, mob as they were rapidly approaching.  
  
"It wasn't that hard," GM said proudly. "They aren't exactly brain surgeons."  
  
"Well, for giving me a good laugh, I want to help you out," Bowser said. "Hope on my snout. I'll swim you across the river to safety."  
  
"How do I know I can trust you?" GM asked suspiciously.  
  
"Would I lie?" Bowser asked; a little halo hung above his head.  
  
"Yes. In fact, it's what you're famous for."  
  
"Good point, but right now I'm your only hope. Are you in or out?"  
  
GM sighed. "I'm in."  
  
"Excellent," Bowser grinned, rubbing his hands together and licking his lips. (I think you know where this is going!)  
  
He gingerly (get it? Gingerly? Cuz GM is made of gingerbread? Ah, forget it! You people are no fun!) put GM on his snout and leapt into the water. Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Yoshi all halted at the riverbank and began waving their fists and cursing at Bowser.  
  
"YES!!" Bowser shouted when he and GM were halfway across the river. He began pumping his fists in the air and splashing around.  
  
"Hey," GM shouted, starting to lose his balance. "Watch it down there! I don't want to fall!"  
  
"Sorry," Bowser laughed. "But I'm so excited! I finally won! I finally won! I beat Mario and his band of merry idiots!"  
  
"What do you mean?" GM asked.  
  
"Those fools aren't going to get what they want for once!"  
  
"You mean me?"  
  
"Yes, I mean you! They wanted you all to themselves and I got you instead! HA! Mario: 20,873, Bower: 1!!!" Suddenly, Bowser's stomach began rumbling loudly. "And, incidentally, I forgot to eat dinner today since I was so busy following you. You don't mind if I have a little snack, do you?"  
  
"Um..." GM gulped. Before he had a chance to answer, Bowser snatched him from his snout and popped (get it? Popped? Cuz he... why am I even bothering?) him into his mouth.  
  
"Oh fu..." GM groaned just before he was chomped to bits and swallowed.  
  
"Damn," Bowser said, patting his belly. "I wish I had some milk."  
  
- - - - -  
  
Back on shore, Mario and his friends watched as GM was eaten.  
  
"He was my only son," Luigi sighed.  
  
"Thanks a lot," the cookie growled.  
  
"He ate my last pie," Mario said, sniffing back a tear.  
  
"If you want pie so much why don't you take over ownership of my bakery," Luigi offered, handing Mario the key. "You can have all the pies you can eat!"  
  
"Are you sure?" Mario asked.  
  
"Yeah, bakery life is too fast paced for me. I'm thinking of becoming a toy maker, instead." He gazed into the sky, pointed at the wishing star, and murmured, "You still owe me, bud!"  
  
"We lost all our money to that little cavity," Peach moaned.  
  
"And the ironic thing is if the Gingertoad man had just won one more coin he would have had an extra life." Yoshi thought, chuckling at the fact that Bowser wasn't the only one to bite GM in the ass.  
  
"Hey, that's a good point," Peach said, cheering up.  
  
"He told me he could turn this into gold," Crazy Joe said, hugging a large bundle of straw.  
  
"You know," Mario supposed, "come to think of it, Bowser really did us a favor by eating the little jerk."  
  
"Yeah, he really did," the rest of them agreed.  
  
"Hey Bowser!!!" Mario shouted across the river. "You've been a big help! Thanks to you, we got exactly what we wanted!!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Bowser called back, sounding a wee bit peeved off.  
  
"C'mon everybody," Yoshi said, putting one arm around Mario and the other around Peach. "Let's go home!" And that's exactly what they did.  
  
And they all (well, everyone except for Bowser) lived happily ever after.  
  
**Author's Note**: _That was the first Mario fairy tale I've written in 3 years. Sorry it took me so long, but I kinda lost track of little project. I still have three more stories to write, so review and tell me which fairy tales you'd like to read in the future. I promise not the wait three years for the next one! Thanks! Oh, and by the way, I know I'm nuts, thanks. _


	5. Little Green Riding Hood

**Little Green Riding Hood **

Written By Slayerman2001  
  
Once upon a time there was a plumber named Luigi. One day, after coming home from a particularly grueling day at work, Luigi went into the kitchen to make his daily after-work snack of star ice cream and flower soda (can't say he's not resourceful, can you?). His roommate Yoshi was sitting at the kitchen table going over the bills (you'd be amazed at how expensive it is to live in Fireflowerdonia, just three miles outside of The Mushroom Kingdom. The water bill alone was outrageous. Yoshi has to pay an extra seventy-five coins because Luigi thought it'd be a good idea to turn their bathroom into a swimming po... oh wait, that's supposed to be a secret. Just disregard this entire side-note. Oh, and enjoy the story). Luigi took a seat across from Yoshi and was about to eat when the phone started ringing  
  
"Hello?" Luigi answered.  
  
"Luigi," a weak little voice croaked.  
  
"Mario?"  
  
"Yes, it's-a-me, Mario," Mario wheezed, coughing up a storm.  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
"I'm very sick [cough cough]," Mario snorted. "I have been for a while [heave ho]. I don't know how much time I have left [wheeze]."  
  
"That's horrible," Luigi swallowed, his heart pounding in his chest. Tears formed in his eyes. Melodramatic music swelled through the air.  
  
"What's going on?" Yoshi asked, moving to Luigi's side and putting his hand on his shoulder.  
  
"I was hoping [gasp cough], that you could come to see me... one... last... time [haaaack]." Mario moaned, his breath growing shorter by the second.  
  
"Yes, of course I can," Luigi gulped, trying to hold the tears that wanted to spill from his eyes. "And Mario, if there is anything I can do for you, just let me know."  
  
"Hooray!" Mario happily shouted. "If you don't mind, I'm running a little low on food! I'll just need a few things... some bread, and eggs, and juice, and milk, and chicken, and mushrooms, and candy, and cereal, and egg rolls, and, oh, some utensils will be nice, and maybe a... Uh, I mean.... thank you [wheeze gasp cough snort] my... dear.... brother." Click! Dial tone!  
  
Luigi dropped the receiver back on its hook and started massaging his temples.  
  
"Luigi," Yoshi cried, taking his friend by the shoulders and pulling him into a tight hug. "What's the matter with Mario?"  
  
"Plenty," Luigi replied sadly, grabbing a large picnic basket from the cupboard. He opened the refrigerator and began collecting various food items. "For starters, he's a total bum!"

-----  
  
In a cottage deep in the forest, Mario blew his nose loudly. Though he had slightly embellished his illness when speaking to Luigi (_slightly_ embellish?), he did have a stuffy nose, a tummy ache, and a small tickle in the back of his throat.  
  
Mario turned on the T.V. His favorite daytime soap, "As The Kingdom Turns" (Toadresa was about to have her baby! But she wasn't sure if it belonged to Toadvid, her late-husband, or the sinister Toadmas, who had an affair with Toadresa shortly after Toadvid was kidnapped by the Campbell's company and his body was chopped into little itty bitty bits for their new brand of low-carb mushroom soup) was beginning. Just as the first chords of the theme song began to play, there came a knocking at Mario's door.  
  
"Oh damn," Mario muttered, turning the television off and climbing out of bed.  
  
Mario opened the door and found Bowser waiting impatiently in the front yard. When he saw Mario, Bowser charged at him, thrashing around wildly, making a loud "Gawrarararaw"ing noise. Mario yawned.  
  
"Not today, Bowser. I don't feel like it."  
  
Bowser skidded to a halt and frowned. "Awww, come on! I already captured Peach and everything!"  
  
"Sorry," Mario shrugged.  
  
"I have all these new toys I want to torture you with," Bowser whined, stomping his feet.  
  
"No."  
  
"But I..."  
  
"No."  
  
"But..."  
  
"No."  
  
"Bu..."  
  
"NO!" Mario shouted.  
  
"Fine! I guess I came all this way for nothing," Bowser mumbled, folding his arms and pouting. "I'll just go back to that big, spooky fortress where I'll be all alone. Don't worry about me, though, I'll be fine..." He pulled a tiny fiddle out of his horny shell (what's so funny?) and began playing a sad song.  
  
Exasperated, Mario sighed and said," I was just about to make some tea. Would you like to join me?"  
  
"I don't know," Bowser said sheepishly, looking up at the sky to avoid eye contact with Mario. "You hurt my feelings."  
  
"All right. Whatever." Mario started closing the door.  
  
"Okay, okay!" Bowser yelled, using his massive foot as a doorstop. "You talked me into it!"  
  
"Come on in," Mario lamented  
  
Bowser locked his "Smilicopter" and eagerly entered Mario's house. Mario, slumping his shoulders in defeat, sighed again and followed.  
  
Bowser settled into a comfy recliner and flipped through a magazine while he waited. Mario emerged from the kitchen carrying a silver tray with a teakettle, two tiny floral-designed cups sitting on lacey white doilies, and one sugar and one cream dispenser. He put the tray on the coffee table and took a seat in the rocking chair.  
  
"How... lovely," Bowser said, snickering at the cups.  
  
"They were gifts from Peach," Mario stated defensively, his cheeks growing flushed.  
  
"How very macho."  
  
"Ha. Ha. Do you take sugar?" Mario asked, pouring Bowser some tea.  
  
"Why yes, that would be delightful," Bowser answered politely, batting his eyelashes. When he noticed the skeptical look on Mario's face, he quickly furrowed his brow and growled, "I mean, of course not you idiot! I like my tea rough! ARRRGGGHHH!"  
  
"Whatever floats your boat," Mario shrugged, handing Bowser his cup. He took a sip of his own tea.  
  
Several minutes passed as the two mortal enemies stared awkwardly at each other. It was the first time - ever - that they had been together for more than five minutes and weren't fighting to the death. Mario apprehensively drank cup after cup of tea, and Bowser nervously twiddled his claws.  
  
"Do you need more tea?" Mario finally asked.  
  
"No thanks, I'm fine," Bowser replied. "I mean, uh, no! Bite me! ARRRGGGHHH!"  
  
Awkward silence.  
  
"So, how are your kids? I haven't seen them since Super Mario World."  
  
"Oh, they're fine. Wendy just joined the choir at school. And little Ludwig won the science fair last week." Bowser beamed with pride as he spoke about his children.  
  
"That's great," Mario exclaimed. "What did he do to win?"  
  
"He invented a ray gun that would vaporize annoying Italian plum... uh... he made a plant grow on a potato. A potato!"  
  
"Oh, how nice," Mario said, biting his bottom lip. He poured himself another cup of tea.  
  
Awkward silence.  
  
"You know, I saw Calendria at the grocery store the other day when I was buying cupcakes... er... extra spicy hot jalapeno peppers," Bowser mentioned.  
  
"That's impossible! She died several years ago," Mario said. "Don't you remember?"  
  
"Really?" Bowser asked, perplexed. "I could have sworn it was her. She was with that new husband of hers. The stable boy."  
  
"SHE DIED!" Mario screamed, pounding his fist on the table. "And the stable boy was just a rumor!" He drank his fifteenth cup of tea of the day.  
  
"Sheesh, somebody has issues," Bowser grumbled to himself.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I said you need more tissues," Bowser amended. "You have a little something hanging out of your nose."  
  
With the back of his hand, Mario wiped away a long string of green snot - then drank another cup of tea.  
  
Awkward silence.  
  
"I haven't seen Luigi in a while. What's he been up to?" Bowser asked.  
  
"He recently got a swimming pool!"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah! I think I caught this _cold_ from swimming in it... wait a minute... that's supposed to be a secret... who said anything about a pool?"  
  
"Cold?" Bowser asked, ignoring Mario's ridiculous ramblings.  
  
"Yeah. Nothing too serious, but I'll be out of commission for a few more days. Luigi is bringing over some food in a little while," Mario said, downing yet another cup of tea. "Oh! I forgot to tell him I need toothpaste! I hope he hasn't already left. Excuse me, Bowser."  
  
As Mario got up to call Luigi, the wheels in Bowser's head began turning. Everything was starting to make sense. Mario didn't feel like saving Peach – which never happened, he had a snotty nose, and he was drinking enough tea to fill all of Fireflowerdonia's lakes– most likely to clear his sinuses.  
  
"Mario said he'll be out of commission for a few days," Bowser muttered. "And now Luigi is on his way over, completely unaware that I'm here, and will surely be weaponless."  
  
A lightbulb lit up above Bowser's head.  
  
"Sorry 'bout that," Mario said. "That damn lightbulb flickers all the time. I'm gonna need to change it soon. Maybe I should ask Luigi to bring a few bulbs, too."  
  
A sly smile flickered across Bowser's lips as he formed a diabolical plan. "MWAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Uh... MWACOUGHCOUGHCOUGH!!!! I think I'm catching your cold."  
  
Bowser grabbed the sliver tray from the table. The teakettle and dispensers clattered loudly as they hit the floor. Bowser froze. When ten seconds passed and Mario still hadn't turned to see what all the racket was about (his head was all clogged up and he couldn't hear very well), Bowser sighed with relief and tucked the tray under his arm. Slowly and steadily, he crept up behind Mario just as he was dialing Luigi's number. He took the tray and brought it down hard on Mario's head.  
  
"Ooh," Mario moaned. "Can I have another cup of tea?" And with that, he crumpled to the floor and blacked out.

-----  
  
"Do you need a ride?" Yoshi asked as Luigi passed him on his way to the front door. His picnic basket was packed to the gills with a large arrangement of foods.  
  
"Nah, I think I'm just gonna walk," Luigi said.  
  
Yoshi slid his saddle under the couch and said, "Be careful! The woods are a creepy, chilly place. Maybe you should wear a coat or... oh... you can wear this!"  
  
Yoshi took a green riding hood from the coat rack and gave it to Luigi. Luigi rolled his eyes and groaned. He carelessly dropped the riding hood on the floor and shook his head.  
  
"Thanks, Yosh, but no thanks. It's only an hour walk, I'll be fine."  
  
Yoshi narrowed his eyes and growled. He seized the cape and shoved it into Luigi's chest. Luigi doubled-back, dropping the picnic basket and falling on his butt.  
  
"Listen," Yoshi commanded, looming threateningly over Luigi. "I spent six weeks knitting that little green riding hood for you and you've never worn it! You don't appreciate a thing I do for you!" Tears began rolling down the little dinosaur's cheeks.  
  
"No, that's not true at all," Luigi said sympathetically, getting up and patting Yoshi on the back. "I'm very grateful for everything you do for me."  
  
"Then you'll wear the green riding hood?"  
  
Luigi sighed, knowing he wasn't going to win the argument (like he ever did). He took the riding hood and draped it over his shoulders.  
  
"You look so beautiful," Yoshi gasped, wiping the tears from his eye. "Oh, and don't forget the hood!"  
  
"How could I," Luigi grumbled, pulling the hood over his head. He opened the front door and began his journey to Mario's house.  
  
"Good luck! And be careful. I'll have dinner ready by the time you get home." Yoshi tied a pink, frilly apron around his waist and went into the kitchen. And for the record, the apron was a gift from Peach.

-----

The world slowly came back to Mario. At first he didn't remember a thing about his encounter with Bowser. All he knew was he had been planning to watch his favorite soap, and now he felt an incredible urge to pee. Which he did. In his pants. His memory returned when he tried to move and couldn't because he was slung over Bowser's shoulder. His hands and feet were bound with thick, knotty rope. A large piece of duct tape was slapped across his mouth.  
  
"Well, well, well, look who finally decided to wake up from his little nap," Bowser said, unceremoniously dropping Mario on his bed and opening his closet. "Feeling better?"  
  
"You fiend! I welcomed you into my house, gave you tea, and this is how you repay me? By kidnapping me?" Mario shouted. "You truly are an evil beast!" Of course, since his mouth was taped what he said sounded to Bowser like, "MmmmFfffMfffMmmm".  
  
"Glad to hear it," Bowser snickered, starting to shift through Mario's clothes  
  
Mario wondered what Bowser was scheming and why it involved going through his wardrobe. Suddenly, he remembered that Luigi was coming to visit, and he'd be arriving at the house shortly. Mario once again struggled to free himself from the ropes, but they were tied too tightly.  
  
"MmmFffmmFffmmF (You son of a bitch!)!" Mario screamed. "Mmmt mff mgg (Let me go!)"  
  
Bowser ignored Mario's muffled pleas and kept looking for an outfit.  
  
"Let's see: red shirt, red hat, and blue overalls," Bowser said. "Nah." He pushed the ensemble to the side and examined the next one. "Red shirt, red hat, and blue overalls. Um... no." He pushed it aside. "Red shirt, red hat, and blue overalls. No!" To the side it went. "I swear Mario, one of these days I'm going to call those queer eyes and have them give you a make- over."  
  
"Mmff Ffmm (Bite me!)"  
  
"Red shirt, red hat, and blue overalls. Thanks, but no thanks! Red shirt, red hat, and blue overalls. No! Red shirt, red hat, and blue overalls! NO! Red shirt! Red hat! Blue Overalls! NOO!! Oh my!" Bowser began laughing when he came across the next garment of clothing. He turned to Mario and wiggled his bushy eyebrows. Mario's cheeks turned bright, bright, bright red.  
  
"Look, Mario, I'm not one to judge," Bowser cracked. "Well, actually I am... but honestly, why in the world do you own a blue evening gown?"  
  
"MmffMMbb MbbMffMmm Fmmm Pmffm (It was a gift from Peach)," Mario explained.  
  
"AH HA!" Bowser exclaimed, disregarding Mario's lame excuse. "I found the perfect outfit!"  
  
He pulled out an extra-large red shirt and extra-large pair of blue overalls and tried them on. They fit Bowser perfectly, despite his horny shell (oh, grow up and stop laughing). He then placed a normal size red hat at the top of his head. He gazed at himself in the mirror in Mario's vanity (yes, Mario has a vanity - it was a gift from Peach), and scowled. Something was missing.  
  
"Hey Mario. Do you have any construction paper?"  
  
"Mmffmmb Bmfffmmp (Bottom drawer of my desk)," Mario said.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Bowser took a sheet of black construction paper and a pair of scissors. He carefully trimmed the paper into the shape of Mario's mustache and taped it to his snout. He glanced back into the mirror and his eyes lit up in delight.  
  
"Excellent!"  
  
He grabbed Mario and tossed him into the closet. He then locked the door, hopped into bed, and turned on the T.V.  
  
"I sure hope the baby doesn't belong to Toadvid!" 

-----  
  
Luigi cautiously walked through the forest. Though it was a beautiful day out, with a clear blue sky and fluffy white clouds, in the forest everything was dark and chilly. The looming fir trees blocked out any sunlight, and a cold breeze wafted through the air. Luigi shuddered and held his green riding hood close.  
  
"Why did you have to buy a cottage in the woods, Mario? Why couldn't you have bought that lovely little beachhouse?"  
  
Luigi followed a very distinctive beaten path. He didn't dare venture into the dark, unmarked territory. He had no clue as to who - or what - called these woods home, and he wasn't too eager to find out. When he was halfway to Mario's house (he knew because there was a sign on the side of the path that said "**Mario's House – ½ Way There!**"), an odd, high pitched humming filled the air. Chills ran up Luigi's spine, and he was tempted to turn around and go back home.  
  
"You should have taken Yoshi up on his offer to give you a ride," Luigi reprimanded himself, forcing himself to keep going.  
  
As Luigi continued walking, the humming got louder and louder. After mounting a particularly tall hill, he discovered the source of the noise. Skipping around in a small but beautiful patch of flowers was Daisy, Peach's cousin.  
  
"Well hello," Luigi said.  
  
"Oh," Daisy jumped, startled. "Luigi, you gave me such a fright!"  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"It's all right. What are you doing out in the woods? And where did you get such a ridiculous little green riding hood?" Daisy asked, suppressing the urge to laugh in Luigi's face.  
  
"I'm on my way to take food to Mario. He's sick, or at least he's pretending to be," Luigi rolled his eyes and showed Daisy his basket. "And as far as ridiculous clothing, I can say the same about you." He pointed at the t-shirt Daisy was wearing. Imprinted on the front was a large picture of Michael Jackson dangling a mushroom person over a balcony during his last concert.  
  
"This was a gift from Peach," Daisy said, blushing.  
  
"I think it's time Peach just starts giving cash," Luigi pointed out. Daisy couldn't agree more.  
  
"Anyway, I was bored at the palace. I have no idea where Peach is today, so I decided to come here and pick some of these pretty flowers. It's one of my most favorite hobbies." She plucked a flower and inhaled its sweet fragrance.  
  
"That's lovely," Luigi said, smiling cheerfully. Though he never told anyone, he had a tiny crush on Daisy. And by tiny, I mean he kissed her picture every night, anonymously sent her flowers and love notes seventeen times a day, and already had his wedding vows prepared for their big day.  
  
"Well," Daisy said, taking a huge bite out of her flower. "You better get to Mario. I'm sure he's waiting for you."  
  
"Right," Luigi nodded, though it kind of broke his heart to leave Daisy's company. "I guess I'll see you later?"  
  
"You bet." Daisy smiled, her beautiful green eyes sparkling. "And Luigi, be careful. The forest can be a dangerous place."  
  
Luigi ogled Daisy for a while longer. She was so sweet, skipping through the flowers and singing a little song. Within minutes several woodland creatures had joined her in a vibrant and rather colorful rendition of "Riverdance".

---

As Luigi continued his journey, he encountered several strange things. First, there was the rather nasty tree that didn't appreciate Luigi taking its apples.  
  
"I don't go around pulling things off you, **DO I**!!" the tree screamed. It then promptly started throwing apples at Luigi's head. Luigi ran off.  
  
Later, Luigi bumped into a man made completely out of metal. The man clutched a large, shiny axe and was squeaking, "Oyl 'an! Oyl 'an!"  
  
"Huh? I don't understand French."  
  
"Oyl 'an!!!"  
  
There was a tiny oilcan sitting on an old tree stump next to the man. Luigi picked it up and, thinking it was a new design from Coca-Cola, drank it all up.  
  
"Aock ewe! Aock ewe!" the tin man growled as Luigi skipped away. 

-----

As Luigi climbed the steps to Mario's porch, another cold chill tickled his spine. There was something unusual with Mario's yard, and he couldn't quite put his finger on what it was (though, just seconds earlier, Luigi put his **ENTIRE HAND **on Bowser's Smilicopter when he tripped over a tree root and used it to help regain his balance). Pushing aside any suspicions, Luigi knocked on the door three times.  
  
"Come in," Bowser said, using his best Mario imitation.  
  
Luigi opened the front door and stepped into the foyer. Every light in the house was turned off, which was weird since Mario was afraid of the dark. Luigi set the picnic basket on the kitchen counter and started looking for Mario. He walked into the living room. Mario wasn't there. He looked in the dining room, but Mario wasn't there either. He pinched his nose and peeked into the bathroom, but Mario was nowhere to be seen.  
  
"Mario? Maaario? **MARIO**!!??"  
  
"I'm in my bedroom," Bowser called.  
  
"That would make sense," Luigi said. He walked down a long hallway, and when he entered Mario's bedroom he gasped in utter shock.  
  
"It's-a-me, Mario!" Bowser said. "Hey, nice little green riding hood (snicker)! Was it a gift from Peach (hee hee)?"  
  
"No! Yoshi."  
  
"Six of one."  
  
"Mario, you look horrible!" Luigi said, staring at his "older brother" in disbelief. "I mean really, really horrible!"  
  
"Well I am sick," Bowser growled.  
  
"Yes, I can see that. At first I thought you were just pulling my leg, but look at you! You're hideous! Loathsome! Horrendous!"  
  
"I don't look that bad," Bowser grunted defensively.  
  
"Yes you do!" Luigi said, walking up to Bowser and putting his hand on his forehead. "You're burning up!"  
  
"Yes, but..."  
  
"And your skin is all green and scaly."  
  
"Okay, but..."  
  
"And you look fat and bloated."  
  
"But..."  
  
"And you need a bath."  
  
"Bu..."  
  
"And you're uglier than usual."  
  
"ENOUGH!" Bowser bellowed. "I mean, uh, cough sneeze cough. Thank you for coming Luigi."  
  
"I'll stay as long as you need me. You just lay there and I'll go make you some..."  
  
"For the love of God, don't say tea!" Bowser interrupted.  
  
Luigi didn't respond. Something strange about "Mario's" appearance had caught his eye. He scratched his head and hmmm'ed.  
  
"What's the matter?"  
  
"Hmmmm," Luigi hmmm'ed again.  
  
"Luigi? What's wrong?"  
  
"Odd, I never noticed _that_ before..."  
  
"What??" Bowser asked, growing anxious.  
  
"It's just... Why Mario, what red eyes you have."  
  
"These? Oh, uh, they're new infrared contacts! The better to see you with, my brother."  
  
"And Mario, what big horns you have!"  
  
"Horns?" Bowser asked, touching the horns at the top of his head. "These aren't horns. No, they're... brand-new ears! Yes, the better to hear you with my brother!"  
  
"And Mario," Luigi panted, taking Bowser's massive hand into his own. "What big claws you have."  
  
"Those are better to rip you into shreds, my brother," Bowser snarled, leaping out of bed and pinning Luigi to the floor.  
  
"BOWSER!" Luigi shouted, attempting to get out from under Bowser's massive weight. It was useless. "What have you done with Mario?"  
  
"You're about to find out!" Bowser chortled. Restraining Luigi with one hand, he used the other to pull a long rope out his horny shell (it's not even that funny!!). He hog-tied Luigi and chucked him into the closet beside his brother.  
  
"Mario!" Luigi exclaimed!"  
  
"Mmffmm!! (Luigi!!)"  
  
"Finally," Bowser cackled, slapping a piece of duct tape across Luigi's mouth and tearing off the clothes he was wearing. "The Mario Brothers are my prisoners! Now I can finally marry Peach and take over the Mushroom Kingdom!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHACOUGH COUGH COUGH! Damn it, I think I really am catching Mario's cold."  
  
"Yllggll GgGlggl (You'll never get away with this)," Luigi shouted.  
  
"Oh yes I will! Who's going to stop me?"  
  
Conveniently, at that precise moment Daisy and Yoshi charged into the room. Daisy was carrying a large, shiny axe and Yoshi was carrying... a bouquet of flowers.  
  
Daisy marched up to Bowser and forcefully kicked him in his sensitive area. As Bowser doubled over in pain, Yoshi untied Mario and Luigi.  
  
"Let's get him, Mario!" Luigi commanded, jumping to his feet.  
  
"You bet, Luigi," Mario said, just before puking all over the place.  
  
"Eww, gross," Luigi, Yoshi, Daisy, and Bowser all gagged simultaneously.  
  
"Well sorry," Mario said, wiping his mouth. "But I'm sick and being tossed around like a rag doll wasn't exactly helping things."  
  
As Yoshi tended to Mario; Daisy whacked Bowser with her axe while Luigi punched him in the stomach.  
  
"You think that hurts? (Ouch!) You're tickling me (OUCH!!)," Bowser said with tears of pain in his eyes.  
  
The whacking and punching went on for a long time. Every once in a while Daisy would even kick Bowser in his groin for good measure. Finally, Bowser's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he collapsed to the floor.  
  
"Hey, we won!" Daisy exclaimed happily. She leaned over Bowser's limp body and gently kicked him in the snout. Suddenly, Bowser jumped to his feet.  
  
"Surprise!"  
  
"Eeek!"  
  
Bowser shoved Daisy so violently she went flying across the room. She smashed her head into the wall and crumpled unconsciously to the floor.  
  
"NOOOOOOO!" Luigi said, taking a running leap and kicking Bowser square in the jaw. The force of the blow sent Bowser flying. Luigi proceeded to stomp on Bowser's tail, use his eyeballs and punching bags, and wrap duct tape all around his head. He then lifted Bowser, spun him around, and threw him effortlessly out the window.  
  
"Holy smoke! I'm hightailing my ass out of here," Bowser hissed when he crashed into the ground. Spitting blood and a few teeth into the grass as he ran, he hopped into his Smilicopter and shook his fist menacingly. "But don't think this is over! I'll get you, my brother... I mean, Luigi... and your little green riding cape too!"  
  
"Oh yeah," Luigi screamed, taking the axe and throwing it. The axe flipped through the air several times and then embedded itself in Bowser's chest."  
  
"Ooh, that stings," Bowser cried, putting his copter into drive and flying – right into the nasty apple tree. Needless to say, the tree wasn't happy and Bowser now has more bruises than he knows what to do with.  
  
Back at the cottage, Daisy was just coming around when Luigi knelt beside her. He gently covered her trembling body with his green riding hood. He patted her hand and smiled as she fixed her big, green eyes on him.  
  
"Luigi," Daisy whispered in a weak, little voice.  
  
"Yes, Daisy?" Luigi asked, leaning close.  
  
Daisy closed her eyes and said nothing. She did, however, puke all over him. 

-----  
  
The next morning, when everybody's stomachs had settled a bit, Luigi and Daisy decided to take a walk.  
  
"How did you know I was in trouble?" Luigi asked.  
  
"I just had a feeling," Daisy explained. "Woman's intuition I guess. Well, it was either that or the text message I got from Peach saying Bowser captured her and was heading for Mario's house." She pulled a very lovely phone out of her pocket and showed Luigi the message.  
  
"Nice phone," Luigi observed.  
  
"Thanks," Daisy grinned. "It was a gift from Peach."  
  
"Hey look," Luigi said, looking up at the sky. "Pigs are flying."  
  
"At any rate," Daisy said, taking Luigi's hand into hers. "Yoshi happened to be out taking a walk so I asked him to give me a ride. Then I borrowed the axe..."  
  
"From that French guy wrapped up in aluminum foil?"  
  
"Yep," Daisy giggled. "When we arrived at Mario's cottage I saw Bowser's creepy helicopter thing parked in the front yard. I'm kind of surprised you didn't notice that yourself."  
  
"Oh, I did," Luigi stated matter-of-factly. "I just thought it was another one of Mario's goofy yard decorations! Like all those creepy mushroom gnomes." He pointed to a group of seven mushroom gnomes standing under Mario's tree.  
  
"We're not mushroom gnomes! We're mushroom dwarfs on our way to work!!"  
  
"Oh, sorry," Luigi blushed.  
  
"No problem," the leader of the dwarfs said. He turned to his co-workers and hollered, "Break's over! Let's go guys."  
  
"Okay, Crazy Joe!"  
  
The mushroom dwarfs marched off in a single file line and began singing, "Ho Hum. Ho Hum. Work Makes Me So Glum..."  
  
"Anyway," Daisy said, resting her head on Luigi's shoulder. "I didn't like the thought of you being in trouble and possibly getting hurt."  
  
"Well, thank you for the concern," Luigi said, putting his arm around Daisy's waist.  
  
Daisy and Luigi stopped and gazed into each other's eyes. After a moment, they began moving closer to each other. Daisy wrapped her arms around Luigi's neck. Their lips were inches apart when... (Hey now, this IS a kid's fairy tale!)

-----  
  
Mario got better the very next day and decided to move out of the spooky forest. He bought a beach house and turned his guest room into a swimming pool. Wait, was that supposed to be a secret?  
  
Luigi and Daisy fell madly in love, but broke up when Daisy caught Luigi dancing in front of the mirror wearing his green riding hood. They reunited after Luigi overcame his cross-dressing ways by completing a 12- step program.  
  
Bowser got the axe surgically removed from his chest and used it to cut down the nasty apple tree. Luigi was so grateful he invited Bowser to his house for tea. It didn't end well.  
  
Peach and Toad egged Slayerman2001's house since they weren't in this story even though they were promised they would be. Whoops.  
  
It turned out Toadresa's baby didn't belong to her at all. It was actually the love child between Toadvid and Toadmas. Yeah, I don't get soaps either.  
  
And so it can be said, in true fairy tale fashion that they all lived happily ever after.  
  
**The End**


	6. The Three Little Yoshi's

**The Three Little Yoshi's  
**  
Written by Slayerman2001  
  
Once upon a time three little Yoshi's lived with their mother. Their names were Red, Yellow, and Blue because they were – well – red, yellow, and blue. Everyday in the Yoshi home was like a little slice of Heaven. Since they were brothers, Blue, Yellow, and Red were extremely close. They always got along beautifully. It was almost as if...  
  
"Hey! Give me the controller! It's my turn to play Zelda!" Blue screamed, smacking Yellow upside the head.  
  
"Ouch! It is not! We each get twenty minutes!" Yellow retorted, fiercely shoving Blue as he continued pounding on the buttons.  
  
"And your twenty minutes are up!"  
  
"No they're not! I've only been playing for fifteen minutes! Red took extra time!"  
  
"I did not," Red shouted from the desk, where he was drawing a picture of his brothers getting devoured by Bowser.  
  
"Yes you did!"  
  
"No I didn't," Red said again, taking a crayon and throwing it directly at Yellow's head.  
  
"Ouch! That got me in the eye," Blue whined.  
  
"It did not you big cry baby!"  
  
"HA! HA! You are a big cry baby," Yellow laughed, sticking his long tongue out until it touched the floor.  
  
"No I'm NOT," Blue shrieked, stomping on Yellow's tongue.  
  
"OUCH!" Yellow yelped, his eyes glazing over with tears.  
  
"HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!" Blue and Red both hooted. Blue was laughing so hard he fell over and began rolling around on the floor.  
  
"Now who's the big cry baby!"  
  
"YOU!" Yellow growled, reeling his tongue back into his mouth. He took the game controller, used the wire to swing it over his head like a lasso, and pounded it into Blue's mouth. Blood splattered everywhere.  
  
"You bitch!" Blue screamed. He shot out his tongue, wrapped it around Yellow's ankle, and pulled him to the ground. He then leapt in the air and body slammed his brother.  
  
"Dog pile!" Red shouted excitedly, jumping out of his chair and diving onto Blue's back.  
  
"Hey!"  
  
**Slap**!  
  
"Ooh!"  
  
**Crunch**!  
  
"WHOA!!! That's my elbow!"  
  
**KaPOW**!  
  
"I'm telling!" Red wailed, rubbing his throbbing elbow.  
  
"No, I'm telling!" Blue shouted, wiping blood off his chin.  
  
"I'm telling! I'm telling!" Yellow snarled, looking in the mirror and shuddering at his freshly swollen eye.  
  
"I am!"  
  
"I am!"  
  
"No, Me!"  
  
"ME!!"  
  
"ME!!!!!! ME!!!!!"  
  
"**MOM**!!!!!" The three Yoshi's yelled, simotaneously.  
  
"For goodness sake, what is it now?" Mother Yoshi asked wearily, coming in from the kitchen. "Oh my God!"  
  
As she witnessed the scene before her, she nearly had a heart attack. Her three sons were each lying on the floor, panting heavily from the scuffle that had just ensued. The T.V. had a huge crack down the center. The Nintendo and its two controllers were all flat as pancakes. Her grandmother's favorite antique lamp lay in two pieces on the floor. The couch cushions had been ripped apart and feathers were flying everywhere. The desk was reduced to shambles. And the green walls were smeared with blood. Mother Yoshi put her hands on her hips and glared at Blue, Yellow, and Red.  
  
"What in the name of all that is good and holy happened in here?" she demanded.  
  
"He did it!" Blue said, pointing at Yellow.  
  
"He did it!" Yellow said, pointing at Red.  
  
"He did it!" Red said, flipping Blue off.  
  
"Well, I've HAD it," Mother Yoshi said, flopping down in the recliner, only to have it collapse from beneath her. "ARGH! The problem is you boys spend too much time together!"  
  
"Well, we do share a room," Blue said.  
  
"And a bed," Red pointed out.  
  
"And we eat all our meals together," Yellow chimed in.  
  
"And we go to school together."  
  
"And the store."  
  
"And the movies."  
  
"And the mall."  
  
"And to Crazy Joe's house."  
  
"Then you understand what I'm saying," Mother Yoshi said, getting up and dusting herself off. "There is only one thing to do?"  
  
"Take a vacation?" the Yoshi's asked eagerly.  
  
"Hardly," Mother Yoshi rolled her eyes. "No, the best thing is for you boys to move into houses of your own. Spend a little bit of time by yourselves."  
  
The three Yoshi's gasped. Has they heard correctly? Was their mother really expecting them to leave the comfort and tranquility (well, comfort at least) of their home to live on their own?  
  
"But, mommy, we have so much growing up to do!" Blue sputtered.  
  
"And we're still so young!"  
  
"You're twenty-seven years old!" Mother Yoshi exclaimed. She opened the coat closet and pulled out three suitcases. She handed one to each Yoshi. "You have until the end of the week! I'll help you in any way that I can, but you guys have got to move out!"  
  
"Only until the end of the week?" Red whined.  
  
"Yes, the end of the week!"  
  
**Seven Months Later...**  
  
Mother Yoshi stood in the doorway holding a hankie in her hand. Though it had been a bit longer than she expected, her children were finally leaving the nest, and it was breaking her heart. Red clumped down the steps, dragging a suitcase behind him.  
  
"Oh, sweetie," Mother Yoshi cried, dabbing the corners of her eyes. "You try to be good, okay?"  
  
"I will, ma," Red smiled.  
  
"Give me a hug," Mother Yoshi said, spreading her arms.  
  
"Oh, c'mon mom!" Red moaned, rolling his eyes. His mom had given him seventy-eight hugs in the last half-hour alone and it was driving him nuts. He was just moving a few miles away. It wasn't like he was dying or anything.  
  
"Please, indulge your mother!"  
  
"Fine," Red said, embracing Mother Yoshi.  
  
Mother Yoshi squeezed nearly all the life out of her youngest son for five minutes, and when she finally let him go, Red gasped and wheezed. He then hoisted his suitcase off the floor, winked at his mom, and left to begin his life as an official adult.  
  
Yellow soon followed. Instead of a suitcase, he opted to put all his belongings into a knapsack. As he entered the family room, there were tears in his eyes. He finished eating his onion and stopped in front of his mom.  
  
"This reminds me of the time you ran away and joined the circus," Mother Yoshi chuckled.  
  
"Oh yeah," Yellow said, shuddering at the memory. "Man, those lions were tough!"  
  
"Honey, I'm going to miss you so much."  
  
"I'll be fine, mom." Yellow said, putting his hand reassuringly on his mother's shoulder.  
  
"I know, but you come and visit me as often as you can!"  
  
"I will," Yellow smiled.  
  
"Do you promise?"  
  
"I promise."  
  
"Pinky swear?"  
  
"You must be joking!"  
  
With a look of resolve, Mother Yoshi held out her pinky. Yellow sighed, wrapped his own pinky around hers and they shook.  
  
"I love you," Mother Yoshi said, giving Yellow a great big sloppy kiss on the cheek.  
  
"Gross!" Yellow shouted, wiping away the slobber. "And... I love you too, mom."  
  
He gave his mother a quick peck, then left.  
  
Blue was the last one downstairs. He wasn't carrying any suitcases or knapsacks; all he had was a small box labeled **BLUE'S STUFF**. Before he left, he put the box on the floor and hugged his mother close.  
  
"Are you all packed up, darling?" Mother Yoshi asked.  
  
"Yep," Blue chirped. "The movers will be here in about an hour to get the 75 boxes I still have up in my room. I already paid them."  
  
"Did you give them a tip?"  
  
"Yeah, I told them if they were late there'd be hell to pay," Blue said sheepishly.  
  
Mother Yoshi narrowed her eyes and put her hands firmly on her hips.  
  
"I'm joking!" Blue said defensively. "I was very generous with my hard- earned money!"  
  
"You always have been," Mother Yoshi said, tears falling freely down her cheeks. "You're the most generous Yoshi I've ever known."  
  
"Thanks mom," Blue said, blushing (which, it stands to reason, made his cheeks purple). "I'll call you when I get settled."  
  
"You better!"  
  
Blue gave Mother Yoshi another quick hug and was on his way.  
  
Mother Yoshi closed the door behind him and sighed. She blew into the hankie, turned, and looked around at her empty house. It was so quiet. There was no screaming, or T.V. blarring, or lamps shattering. Everything was still, and peaceful, and clean. Things were never going to be the same again.  
  
"YIPPY!" Mother Yoshi shouted, jumping around and pumping her fists in air. She then did something she hadn't done in twenty-seven years: naked cartwheels all around the house (try getting that mental image out of your head while eating dinner tonight!).  
  
**This is the true story of three Yoshi's... Asked to leave their house - To build a home, Live in it, And have their lives taped. To find out what happens when Yoshi's stop being lazy - And start getting REAL!  
  
The Real World: Starmania...**  
  
The Yoshi's purchased lots in three diffenent areas of Starmania (just north of Fireflowerdonia). Red decided to live at the edge of the forest, Yellow found a lovely spot right on the beach, and Blue moved to the suburbs. Once the land was settled and the foundations were complete, it was up to the Yoshi's to build their homes (strange, I know, but the Starmania law said if you wanted a brand-new house you had to build it with your own two hands. The law was passed when the king got really, really stoned after partying too hard – he was only 20 years old, after all. Incidentally, it was also legal to marry your cousin, eat your children, and wear your pants on your head every third Tuesday of the month – but only if you had a license).  
  
Red built his house with moderately expensive mushroom blocks. With the help of seven Goombas (who weren't very much help at all, considering Goombas don't actually have hands), the house was completed in less than two months. It was a striking ranch with seven rooms, including a bathroom and two bedrooms. When everything was finished, Red stood back and proudly admired his new home. He couldn't wait to get some paint on the walls and some furniture in the rooms. Of course, all that would have to wait. After paying for blocks, cement, landscaping (he planted a tree in his front yard and it cost two-thousand coins), and Goombas, money was something he was severely lacking.  
  
A few miles away at the beach, Yellow was putting up the last wall to his house. He opted to go with more expensive fire flower blocks, because they were sturdier and would provide him heat in the winter (of course, it coolest it ever got in Starmania was 96 degrees Fahrenheit, but that's neither here nor there). He hired fifteen Koopa Troopas to assist him in building the three story mansion, but was forced to fire eight after he caught them playing soccer with another Koopa Troopa's shell. When the house was finished, however, every bump along the way was well worth it (though, really, the only bump was having to fire the Koopas. Everything else ran quite smoothly. Then again, the eight unemployed Koopas were now suing Yellow, so it really was a pretty damn big bump).  
  
"And just think," a Koopa cackled, handing Yellow the bill. "In just a couple of... decades... you might be able to afford a rug!"  
  
Yellow took one look at the bill and immediately fainted.  
  
In the suburbs, Blue washed his hands in his brand new kitchen sink. His house had been finished for a few weeks, and he had finally unpacked all of his belongings. His home was a bit more modest than his brothers'. Instead of hiring Bowser's evil minions, he built the house all by himself. He also used star blocks, which were considerably cheaper than mushrooms and fire flowers. He had only four rooms: a bathroom, a kitchen, a bedroom, and a spacious living room. Blue returned to the living room carrying a pitcher of fresh-squeezed lemonade. His friends, Mario and Luigi, were sitting on the couch.  
  
"Thank you so much for helping me unpack," Blue said, handing each plumber a glass and pouring the lemonade. "I couldn't have done it without you."  
  
"It's no problem," Mario said.  
  
"Yeah, it's the least we could do," Luigi pointed out. "Any cousin of Yoshi is a... cousin or ours?"  
  
"Something like that," Mario groaned, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Well, I really appreciate it. I'll have to take you guys out to dinner sometime soon."  
  
"Yes, you really have to," Luigi said.  
  
"No he doesn't," Mario hissed, elbowing his brother in the ribs.  
  
"Ouch! Why not? We worked hard!"  
  
"Because he's our good friend. Not to mention Yoshi's cousin."  
  
"Well, I'm going to anyway. No arguments."  
  
"You won't hear any from me," Luigi mumbled, rubbing his side.  
  
Blue chuckled.  
  
"Well, we better get going," Mario said, glancing at his watch. He stood up and stretched.  
  
"Yeah, Bowser kidnapped Peach again and we really should be saving her right now," Luigi declared, cracking his knuckles.  
  
"Okay, thanks for stopping by," Blue said, walking them to the door.  
  
"No problem! We'll see you at the end of the story," Mario said as they left.  
  
Blue smiled. He sat down in a recliner and kicked up his feet. It had been a long, arduous couple of weeks, but well worth every second of sweat, tears, and determination. The sense of accomplishment Blue felt was wonderful, knowing that all his hard word had paid off in a lovely little place all his own. He wondered how his brothers were doing.  
  
- - - - -  
  
As evening fell across Starmania, the sky became a canvas of vibrant blue, purple, and pink clouds. Red finished screwing a large door to its hinges. He dusted his hands and yawned.  
  
"I wonder where I'm going to sleep tonight," he muttered, realizing he had no bed.  
  
Shrugging, he decided to worry about such trivial things after dinner. Unfortunately, he didn't have a stove either. Or a refrigerator. Or food. Or any money. Slumping his shoulders, Red decided to order a pizza and start looking for a job in the morning (of course, he couldn't order a pizza because he didn't have a phone). Little did he know that in the morning he'd be too busy running for his life to worry about working. Because peeking out from behind a large elm tree, watching his every movement, was a creature that, by definition, was known as 'The Yoshi Hunter'. You may know it by its more common name - Birdo (you thought it was going to be Bowser, didn't you? C'mon, admit it, I know you did)!  
  
**The Next Morning...**  
  
Birdo rubbed her hands together and laughed as she tiptoed out of the forest. She was going to catch herself a Yoshi today, and it filled her with anticipation and delight. She climbed Red's porch and banged on the door three times.  
  
Red was spread out on the hard living room floor. Never in his life had he had a more uncomfortable night of sleep. It had taken him almost six hours to fall asleep, and when he finally had he did nothing but toss and turn. The banging on his door woke him up immediately. Standing, Red grimaced: his neck was stiff, his back was aching, and he legs felt like they had anchors tied to them. Rubbing his eyes, he said to himself, "About time the damn pizza guy got here!"  
  
He dragged himself to the door, opened it, and was shocked (and quite terrified) to find Birdo standing on his doorstep. She was gazing at herself in a compact mirror and applying orange eye shadow. When she noticed Red looking at her, she turned and shouted, "Surprise!!!"  
  
"EEK!" Red shouted, slamming the door. He wanted to run and hide under his bed, but that was kind of impossible. Instead, he flattened himself against the door and breathed heavily.  
  
Birdo frowned and knocked on the door again.  
  
"Nobody's home," Red shouted, trying to disguise his voice.  
  
Birdo sighed, "I just saw you."  
  
Red didn't say anything. When five minutes had passed and nothing happened, he cracked the door open to see if the coast was clear. Birdo was still standing on his porch. Her arms were folded across her chest and she was tapping her foot impatiently.  
  
"Hello."  
  
"EEK!" Red slammed the door again.  
  
Getting very frustrated, Birdo began pounding on the door.  
  
"Little Yosh, little Yosh, let me come in!" she shouted.  
  
"Not the by the scales of my redly hued chin!"  
  
"Then I'll pout! And I'll shout! And I'll **EGG** your house in!"  
  
"Egg my house in?" Red asked, scratching his head. "What in the world does that mean?"  
  
Suddenly, there was a loud thump on the outside wall. Red quickly backed away from the door, wondering what was happening. There was another loud thump. Then another. And another. The thumping grew faster and louder. All of the sudden a tiny mushroom popped out of one of the blocks.  
  
"Huh?" Red asked, picking the mushroom up. He instantly grew five feet taller.  
  
"WHOA!"  
  
Soon, another mushroom glided in from the kitchen. It bumped the back of Red's leg and he grew another five feet. Before long, the entire living room was filled with mushrooms, and the more they hit Red, the bigger he got.  
  
"This can't be good," Red gulped as another mushroom banged into his big toe.  
  
Before long, Red grew so big he busted through the ceiling. His entire house shook for a moment, and then crumbled to the ground. Mushrooms were everywhere, most gliding into the forest (which is how the giant world in Super Mario 3 was created, in case anyone was wondering). Birdo looked up at the 5,000 foot tall Red and waved demurely. Red yelped, and ran off.  
  
"Grrrr," Birdo grrr'ed, and followed him.  
  
The more Red ran the more the effects of the mushrooms wore off. By the time he finally reached the beach, he was his normal size. He glanced over his shoulder and was relieved to find Birdo nowhere in sight. He ran up to Yellow's front door and began pounding.  
  
"Who could that be?" Yellow wondered. He had huge bags under his eyes and was nursing a cup of coffee he had taken from a homeless person. It had been a very long night and he hadn't slept a wink. With his eyelids drooping, he crawled to the sound of the pounding. He opened the door and was knocked to his butt when Red zoomed in.  
  
"Red? What are you doing here?" Yellow yawned, trying to get up but finding he was perfectly comfortable on the floor.  
  
"Yellow," Red panted. "We have... to get... out of... here."  
  
"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz"  
  
"YELLOW!"  
  
"What?" Yellow snapped, rubbing his bloodshot eyes.  
  
"We have to go! Before she gets here!!!"  
  
"Mom," Yellow asked.  
  
"No! Not mom!"  
  
"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz"  
  
"For crying out loud, WAKE UP," Red shouted anxiously, taking his brother by the shoulders and shaking him violently.  
  
"Red," Yellow asked dazedly, "When did you get here?"  
  
Suddenly, there came a knocking at the door.  
  
"I'll get it," Yellow said, waking up enough to stumble to the door.  
  
"NO!" Red screamed, rushing to stop his brother. But it was too late.  
  
Yellow opened the door.  
  
"Hi Pete! You got my mail? Thanks!"  
  
Yellow closed the door and began shifting through a rather large stack of envelopes his pelican mailman had just given him.  
  
"Bills. Ick! Bills. Yuck! Bills. Ooh! I may already be a winner in the Publisher's Clearing House!"  
  
"Yellow," Red said, snatching the letters and throwing them to the floor. "We have got to get out of here right this instant, or else..."  
  
**Ding Dong**  
  
"Oh no!"  
  
"I'll get it," Yellow said, opening the door.  
  
"Hello," Birdo said, smiling and batting her eyelashes. "Do you and Red want to play?"  
  
"Sure, let me just ask him!" Yellow said. He turned to Red, who was banging his head on the wall and screaming, "Why me? WHY ME?" Yellow turned back to Birdo and rubbed his eyes again.  
  
"Hey! Aren't you a Birdo?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"The kind who hunts Yoshi's like me and my brother?"  
  
"Well, I wouldn't really say I hunt them as much as I..."  
  
"Yeah, we're not home," Yellow swallowed, then swiftly slammed the door.  
  
Birdo furrowed her brow and jumped around like a raving maniac. She pounded on Yellow's door and screamed at the top of her lungs, "Little Yosh, little Yosh, let me in NOW!"  
  
"Not by the scales of my yellow-skinned brow"  
  
"Then I'll pout. And I'll shout. And I'll **EGG** your house down!"  
  
"Egg my house down?" Yellow asked.  
  
"Let's get out of here!" Red screamed, grabbing Yellow's hand and running through the living room, then the kitchen, then the dining room, then the game room, then the bedroom, then the bathroom, then the tunnel, then the painting room, and then the used car dealership room... (Not that you could tell one room from another since they didn't have any paint, furniture, or decorations... but that's also neither here nor there). "Where the hell is the back door?"  
  
"Back door? I knew I forgot something!"  
  
It didn't matter because, within seconds, flowers were shooting out of the walls and bumping into both Red and Yellow.  
  
"What that...?" Yellow asked, just as a burst of flames shot out of his mouth.  
  
"Hey," Yellow screamed, burning a hole in the wall.  
  
"Stop talking," Red shouted, smoke twirling through his nostrils.  
  
"Okay," Yellow said, singeing Red's eyebrows.  
  
Red groaned, covered Yellow's mouth (though he quickly regretted it when Yellow belched and engulfed his hand in flames), and they exited through the hole. Yellow turned and watched in horror as his beautiful home burned to the ground. He then watched in even more horror as Birdo started chasing after them.  
  
"How far does Blue live?" Red asked, burning down a tree.  
  
"I'm not sure, maybe ten miles," Yellow answered, scorching a plant.  
  
"We'll have to move a lot faster," Red said, setting a little blue bird on fire. He started picking up the pace.  
  
"Yes, we really will," Yellow agreed, accidentally blowing fire at Little Green Riding Hood and Daisy just as they were just about to kiss.  
  
**Later that day...**  
  
Red and Yellow were still running.  
  
**Even later that day...**  
  
Still running.  
  
**That night...**  
  
Red and Yellow finally arrived in suburbia. They stopped on the sidewalk in front of Blue's house, exchanged exhausted glances, and began wildly cracking up.  
  
"I can't believe how small Blue made his house!" Red roared, his belly hurting from laughing so hard.  
  
"I know, there can't be more than three rooms in that tiny little thing," Yellow agreed, wiping tears from his eyes.  
  
"And look at the structure! It's so plain, just a big old square with a roof!"  
  
"It's so lame," Yellow howled, slapping his knees and pointing. "He probably used the shoddiest blocks he could find!"  
  
"HA! HA! I doubt he even hired Goombas to help!"  
  
"Or Koopa Troopas!"  
  
"Well yeah, why would he hire Koopa Troopas? They're lousy architects," Red said.  
  
"They're better than Goombas! At least they have arms!" Yellow shot back.  
  
"They also have shells! Shells that make them work soooo slooooow," Red hollered.  
  
"Koopas are great workers," Yellow screamed, slapping Red across the face.  
  
"SO ARE GOOMBAS!"  
  
**Smack**!  
  
"No they're not!"  
  
**Punch**! **Umph**!  
  
"What do you know? You're house burnt down!" Red cackled.  
  
"Oh yeah? Well what happened to YOUR house?" Yellow retorted.  
  
"That's not the point!" Red yelled.  
  
"HEY!"  
  
Red and Yellow immediately stopped fighting and turned to find Blue standing on his porch. His hands were on his hips and he looked royally pissed off.  
  
"What are you two doing here and why are you fighting?"  
  
"Blue, you need to let us in the house!"  
  
"Well, I actually have dinner plans in a few minutes and I really..." Blue started saying, but was cut off when his brothers ignored him completely and ran inside.  
  
Red and Yellow's jaws dropped as they gazed around the living room. It was absolutely gorgeous! In the middle of the room were a leather couch and two matching recliners. Across the room was a big screen T.V. offering every cable channel available in Starmania (which was only 5, but still). In the corner was a stunning oak bookcase lined with several classic books (including Mario's Fractured Fairy Tales). The floor was covered in plush blue carpet that was so comfortable it was like walking on clouds. The walls were painted sky blue, and even had a few fluffy white clouds here and there.  
  
"This place is amazing," Red gasped.  
  
"How could you afford all of this?" Yellow asked; his eyes were filled with wonder.  
  
"Easy," Blue said, offering his brothers a glass of lemonade, with they readily accepted. "Instead of putting all of my money into using expensive building blocks and hired help, I used more common supplies and built the house myself. That way I had plenty of extra money to paint and decorate. I still have a few thousand coins in the bank to use towards utility bills. That should tide me over until I find a job."  
  
Red and Yellow both burst into tears.  
  
"You know, I'd love to see your houses sometime," Blue said thoughtfully.  
  
Red and Yellow continued crying.  
  
"Guys?" Blue asked. "Are you okay?"  
  
"No! My house is gone!! It collapsed," Red moaned.  
  
"And mine burnt down," Yellow sobbed.  
  
"Oh my God, that's horrible," Blue said, affectionately embracing his brothers. "How did it happen?"  
  
"Well," Red said, biting his bottom lip. "That's kind of a long story."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"We were attacked," Yellow said matter-of-factly.  
  
"Okay, maybe not that long."  
  
"Attacked?" Blue gulped. "By who?"  
  
"Erm..."  
  
At that very moment (because that's how things always seem to go in fairy tales) there came a loud, anxious pounding on the door. Red and Yellow grabbed hold of each other and began trembling. Blue gasped. He looked at Red, then Yellow, and narrowed his eyes.  
  
"Don't even tell me," He groaned, smacking his forehead. He peeked out the window and nearly fainted when he saw Birdo standing there, adjusting her bow.  
  
"Windows!" Yellow and Red said at the same time. "I knew I forgot something!"  
  
"Little Yosh, little Yoshi, you must let me pass," Birdo shouted, stomping her feet.  
  
"Not by the tip of my scaly, blue ass!" Blue shouted.  
  
"Hey, I am a lady ya know!"  
  
"Oh, sorry."  
  
"It's okay," Birdo said. "You can make up for it by letting me in."  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Fine!! Then I'll pout. And I'll shout. And I'll **EGG **your house in!"  
  
Red and Yellow clenched their eyes shut. Blue watched as Birdo backed up about twenty feet and began shooting eggs from the giant hole in her snout (I always thought that big hole was kind of weird, didn't you?) The first egg hit the side of the house, but then ricocheted into Birdo's gut. Birdo toppled to the ground.  
  
"Ooph!"  
  
Red and Yellow nervously opened their eyes. They joined Blue by the window. Birdo stood up, dusted herself off, and shot another egg into the house. Once again the egg hit the house, then bounced off and whacked Birdo in the head - stunning her.  
  
"I don't get it," Red whispered. "Why isn't your house collapsing?"  
  
"Or catching on fire?" Yellow chimed in.  
  
"Because," Blue said, smirking with glee. "I used star blocks to build the house."  
  
"So?" Red and Yellow asked.  
  
Blue rolled his eyes. "Stars have the power of invincibility! Nothing can hurt this place!"  
  
"Oooh!"  
  
When Birdo came around she was really, really angry. She huffed and she puffed and she started pelting the house with hundreds of eggs. Each egg that hit the house recoiled and hit her. Soon, she was knocked unconscious.  
  
"HOORAY!" Blue, Red, and Yellow all shouted, hugging and high-fiving each other.  
  
"So what do we do about her?" Red asked when they had all settled down. He pointed at Birdo.  
  
"We should go out there, tie her up, and force her to make us omelets for the rest of our lives," Yellow said.  
  
"Yeah!" Red agreed. "I love omelets!"  
  
"I don't know, maybe we should just leave her where she is," Blue suggested, but Red and Yellow were already out the door and across the street. Blue sighed and followed.  
  
By the time they reached Birdo, she had already awakened. She was sitting on the grass with her face in her hands. Her shoulders were shaking and she was making a loud, sobbing sound that sounded like an elephant playing the flute.  
  
"What's wrong with her," Red whispered to Yellow.  
  
"I have no idea," Yellow replied. "Is she constipated?"  
  
"Birdo," Blue asked gently. "Are you okay?"  
  
"All I wanted was for you to like me," Birdo sniffed.  
  
"Huh?" The three little Yoshi's all asked. Birdo just continued crying.  
  
"Well, sure we like you! We just thought you were trying to eat us," Blue said gently, patting Birdo's head.  
  
"Eat you?" Birdo wailed. "Why on earth would I ever want to eat you?"  
  
"Aren't Birdo's generally known as Yoshi Hunters?" Yellow asked. Birdo abruptly stopped crying.  
  
"Oh my," she chuckled, drying her eyes. "You think we hunt Yoshi's so we can eat them?"  
  
"YES!"  
  
"Oh, heaven's no!" Tears were rolling down Birdo's cheeks again, but this time they were caused by massive laughter. "We don't hunt for food! We go husband hunting!!"  
  
"Husband hunting!?!?!" Blue looked to Red, who looked to Yellow, who looked to Blue. They were all very, very confused.  
  
"That's right," Mother Yoshi said, approaching the group.  
  
"Mom, where did you come from?" Red asked.  
  
"Yellow's house. I used the warp pipe (which, incidentally, was another thing Yellow and Red forgot about). When I heard about all your houses being destroyed I had to see if you were okay," Mother Yoshi explained.  
  
"How did you find out about our houses?" Yellow asked.  
  
"I heard it through the grapevine."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Anyway, when I saw all the wreckage at Red's place I began to worry and immediately took the warp pipe to Yellow's, but all that was left of his house was a pile of ashes!" Mother Yoshi shivered at the image. "I was afraid my boys were in serious danger, so I warped here just in time to see you all torturing that poor Birdo."  
  
"Ah, I'm over it," Birdo said, re-applying her mascara.  
  
"I must say, I am so proud of the way you boys turned to each other when you need help. It really shows how much you've grown to love and respect one another... Yellow, stop flicking Red in the eye!"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Mom, did you know that Birdo's hunt for husbands?" Blue asked.  
  
"Well of course! After all, your grandmother was a Birdo."  
  
The three Yoshi's all felt quite dizzy.  
  
"Now all that needs to be done is one of you must marry this Birdo. She did catch you, afterall," Mother Yoshi smiled happily. She always wanted to be a mother-in-law.  
  
Blue, Red, and Yellow flinched. They looked to Birdo, who pulled a beautiful white wedding dress full of crystals and emeralds and diamonds out of the big hole in her snout (that thing really is weird). She slipped into it, pulled the veil over her face, puckered her lips and batted her eyelashes.  
  
"It's a good thing I'm a minister," Mother Yoshi said, pulling a copy of the Starmania Bible from her purse. "Now, who's it going to be?"  
  
Blue looked at his brothers. "Rock, paper, scissors?"  
  
- - - - -  
  
Blue and Birdo married twenty minutes later in a huge ceremony performed by Mother Yoshi. Mario, Luigi, Yoshi (the green one, that is), Toad, Peach (see – I put you guys in the story! Please don't use Birdo to egg my house again), and even Bowser attended. It wasn't until several months later that Blue and Birdo found out they were cousins. Luckily, but Starmania law, it was perfectly legal for them to stay married.  
  
After winning the Publisher's Clearing House, Yellow and Red used the money to buy a previously owned mansion that was already fully furnished and made with top-quality star blocks. Eventually they found Birdo wives of their very own. Every third Tuesday of the month they'd go shopping while wearing pants on their heads (which is odd since they never wore pants any other time).  
  
Mother Yoshi became the proud grandmother of seventeen little Birdo-Yoshi hybrids. She allowed them to live with her after their parents were arrested for wearing pants on their heads with no license, but quickly kicked them out after they started fighting all the time. They all built houses and then went on Trading Spaces to get free decorating.  
  
And they all lived happily ever after.  
  
**The End **


	7. Hanzio and Greteluigi

**Daisypunzle**

**Written by Slayerman2001**

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful girl named Daisypunzle – Daisy for short. Daisy was a princess in the magical land of Goombaburg (one exit past Starmania). She was very beautiful, with flowing red hair, which held magic powers. Every other girl in the kingdom yearned to have hair like Daisy's, but that was impossible. You see, Daisy's hair was a gift from…

"**BORING!**"

Huh? Did you guy's just hear… nevermind. Anyway, where was I? Oh! Daisy's hair was a gift from…

"_I could crap a better story_!"

Okay, now I know I heard something. What's going on? Who's here?

"**It's me, Wario!**"

Wario?

"_And it is I, Waluigi_!"

Waluigi? What are you guys doing? I don't have you appearing in "Daisypunzle".

"**No, of course you don't! This is the final chapter to your story and we couldn't help but notice we haven't appeared ANYWHERE!**"

"_Not even a teeny, tiny cameo!_"

Um… this is kind of awkward. It's not like I was shunning you on purpose. I just couldn't find a place to fit you guys. I cast each part very carefully, and...

"**Oh please! You're telling me I couldn't have played the giant in 'Mario and the Beanstalk'?**"

Well, I suppose you could have, Wario; I just thought Valentina was a better fit because she's a cloud herself. Plus, she works cheap!

"_What about 'Princess Peach and the Pea'? Why did Mario make a bet with Bowser? Why couldn't it have been one of us instead?_"

Because… I'd only be able to use one of you, and I didn't want to hurt the other one's feeling…?

"**Alright Mr. Smarty-pants, you got us there, but you also gave Bowser the wolf part in both 'The Gingertoad Man' AND 'Little Green Riding Hood'! Are you saying there was no way we could have played at least one of those roles?**"

Well, I guess you could have, but Bowser has been Mario's mortal enemy since game one. I just thought, with him being so important to Super Mario history…

"_Did you hear that, Wario? He doesn't think we're important!_"

I didn't say that!

"**REALLY! Well, listen here bud! Me and my brother are tired of being neglected in favor of all those goody two-shoes you've been writing about! We're demanding you use US in your final story!**"

"_Yeah! What he said!_"

Guys, come on now! Be reasonable! I've spent a lot of time preparing "Daisypunzle"! I have pages of notes concerning plots and story arcs and character development! It has comedy, romance, magic, angst, and tragedy! It's going to be the single greatest thing I've ever written! Plus, I have a wicked good twist ending that involves a midget named Stewart and a monkey!

"_You should have thought about all those things BEFORE leaving us out of every other story!_"

"**That's right! Your final story is going to be about us whether you like it or not!**"

Hey! Don't you shake that giant sausage of a finger at me, Wario! I am the creator of this fanfiction and I'll decide who is going to be in… hey, what are you doing! Wario! Waluigi! Get away from the Backspace button! All my stories will be lost!

"_Now then… who is the last story going to be about?_"

I suppose it would have to be you guys. [grumble mumble] Hold on; let me break the bad news to Daisy. Hey Daisy? Daisy? DAISY!

"What?"

Tell whoever it is you're talking with to hold on for a second. I have something to tell you.

"Ugh! Wait a minute! Honey… yeah, can you… uh huh… oh, that's funny! Right… listen can you… uh huh… can you… right… oh wow! Right there in the parking lot?… Can you hang on for two seconds? Okay… thanks. Alright, what the hell do you want?"

I know I promised you the starring role in the final story of "Fractured Fairy Tales starring Mario", but Wario and Waluigi seem to think they are entitled to having a story featuring them. You don't mind if they take over, do you?

"Do I still get paid?"

Yeah, I guess so.

"Meh, whatever. Can I get back to my phone call? It's very important!"

Sure.

"**Then it's settled! We are going to star in the final installment!**"

"_Wow, Wario! He caved faster than you thought he would! What a wimp!_"

What?

"**What?**"

"_Pardon me?_"

…Anyway, which fairy tale do you guys plan on re-enacting?

"**Um…**"

"_Uh…"_

Oy! Unbelievable.

"_What about that one with the mobster family who goes around killing people?_"

"**Yeah, our mama told us that story every night before we went to sleep!**"

"_It's our favorite!_"

The Godfather?

"**Yeah!**"

"_That's the one!_"

The Godfather is not a fairy tale! Fairy tales have magic and romance and adventure. The Godfather had blood and violence and horse heads!

"**Oh…**"

"_I see…_"

"**Wait! How about the one about the girl being chased by a killer who likes scary movies!**"

"_Yeah! Maybe we can even get Neve Campbell to make a cameo!_"

Scream isn't a fairy tale either! Guys - don't tell me you've never heard a real fairy tale before!

"_Of course we have! We read this entire fanfiction so far!_"

"**We just don't know any fairy tales where we could star as siblings!**"

There are plenty of fairy tales that involve siblings! Let's see, there's Cinderella.

"**No way! I'm not going to even consider that!**"

"_The last time Wario wore a ball gown he accidentally split it right down the…_"

"**SHUT UP!**"

Okay, a great big X through Cinderella. What about Jack and Jill?

"_NO!_ _I have a phobia about that story._"

You do?

"**Once, when we were taking a vacation on the beach our dad thought it'd be funny to stick Waluigi's head in a pail and then throw him in the ocean! He floated there for about two hours surrounded by sharks and stingrays and cheep cheeps! GWAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!**"

Gee! I can see why you'd be afraid of water.

"_Who said I'm afraid of water?_"

Um… well, I just assumed based on Wario's story… but, hey, I suppose a lot of people have fears about pails.

"_I'm not afraid of pails either!_"

You're not! But you just said you have a phobia about "Jack and Jill"!

"_I do!_"

Well, if you're not afraid of water, and you're not afraid of pails, what are you afraid of?

"_People named Jill._"

"**And Jack!**"

"_Thanks a lot, Wario! Now I'm really going to have nightmares!_"

Oh boy. The only other fairy tale I can think of is Hanzel and Gretel. But surely two villains of your stature wouldn't dream of being cast in such a sweet and innocent story.

"**We'll do it!**"

"_That's it! That's the one for us!_"

Then again, what do I know? All right, so Hanzel and Gretel it is. I guess we should just title the story 'Wario and Waluigi'?

"**No! I want to be called Hanzio!**"

"_And I'll be Greteluigi! Mwehhehehehehehehe!_"

Hanzio and Greteluigi? Fine, let's just get this over with.

**Hanzio and Greteluigi**

**Written by Slayerman2001**

Once upon a time there were two brothers named Hanzio and Greteluigi. They lived with their father and stepmother in a tiny cottage at the edge of the woods.

"**Wait a minute!**"

Now what?

"_We don't like the way your write! You always use big words and too many boring descriptions!_"

I've written every fractured fairy tale so far and haven't gotten any complaints!

"**That's because everybody is too nice! We're bad guys, it's our job to be mean!**"

"_And we're taking over!_"

Taking over? Wait, you mean YOU'RE going to write this story? Are you guys even literate?

"**It can't be that hard! Just a bunch of punching letters on the keyboard!**"

"And _I LOVE punching things! I might get some practice on your head, Writer Boy!_"

No! There is no way I'm going to let you guys write, too! I've been more than nice to you two miscreants, and…

"**See! There you go using big words again!**"

But… uh… but… NO! Look, I'm in charge around here and… Waluigi, what are you doing with that rope? Wario! Put that duct tape down! Hey! HEY! HELP! MMfffmmmmbbp!

"**Now then, let's start over!**"

**Hanzio and Greteluigi**

**Written by Wario and Waluigi**

"**Once upon a time there lived two brothers named Hanzio and Greteluigi, but everyone called them Wario and Waluigi cuz that will be easier for us to remember! GWAHAHAHAHAHA! Where was I? Oh yeah, Wario and Waluigi lived in a house at the edge of the woods with their wimpy little butt monkey of a dad. His name was Mario! Mario was so lame and stupid and ugly that the only person in the world he could marry was his brother, Luigi! GWAHAHAHA! Mario and Luigi were so jealous of Wario and Waluigi that, to keep their own egos in check, they had to devise a plot to get rid of them forever!**"

"_One morning Mario and Luigi were wearing flower dresses and pulling fleas out of old women's hair. They realized the only way they could ever get rid of their sexy, smart, and super funny children was to ditch them somewhere._

_'Oh Mario, you ugly frog, where can we ditch those stud muffins, Wario and Waluigi, so we never have to look at them and realize what wasted space we actually are,' Luigi asked while french kissing a flea. Mwehehehehehehehe!_

_'Why,' Mario said, picking his butt, 'we should all go for a walk in the woods and sneak off while the studliest of all studs are asleep!'_

_'Good idea you stupid idiot,' Luigi said, french kissing the old lady named Babs."_

"**So that is exactly what we, ARGH, what THEY did! Little did Mario and Luigi know, they're brilliant children knew exactly what they were planning and decided to take a tiny box of rice with them!**"

"_Yeah, Wario and Waluigi were super smart and didn't want to leave a trail of bread crumbs since they'd just be eaten by pesky little birdies! And everybody knows if a bird eats rice, then drinks, water they explode! I LOVE EXPLOSIONS!_"

"**And we could just follow the trail of bird corpses!**"

"_Yeah! Anyway,__ Wario, Waluigi, and their very lame and stupid parents left for their 'walk' the very next morning. While Mario and Luigi kept making kissy noises at all the trees, Wario and Waluigi carefully dropped a grain of rice every few feet. They would have dropped more, but Wario kept eating the rice!_"

"**I was hungry, okay?**"

"_You're always hungry! In fact, you're eating an ink cartridge right now!_"

"**I skipped lunch!**"

"_You had seven lunches today!_"

"**And I normally have eight! What's your point?**"

"_Just tell the story!_"

"**Fine! After several hours of walking, Mario stopped because he is so fat and lazy! He turned to his family and said, 'hey family, I'm tired from carrying all this blubber around and I think we should just stop here for the night.' Luigi, being the brainless ninny that he is, agreed with his brother. I mean husband. I mean… wait, is it even possible for your brother to also be your husband?**"

"_Only in Alabama._"

"**I thought so. Anyway, the fatty and the ninny lay down and quickly went to sleep. Wario and Waluigi laughed and laughed because they knew the numb nuts were laying in poison ivy and would be itching and scratching the next day. GWAHAHAHAHAHA!"**

"_Mwehhehehehehehehe! That's so funny!_"

"**So, Wario and Waluigi went to sleep and when they woke up the next morning Mario and Luigi were gone. Of course, they weren't surprised. Only two idiots would try and abandon their highly intelligent kids. They decided to follow their trail of rice and go home.**"

"_Not because they wanted to live in that crappy, cramped, ugly little shack Mario and Luigi owned! They just liked making them feel miserable about being in the presence of such beauty and grace!_"

"**Of course! But, much to Wario and Waluigi's surprise, the rice was GONE!**"

"_And there were no bird corpses!_"

"**As it turned out, Buzzy Beatles liked eating rice more than anything! They ate every last grain! So, the two painfully gorgeous brothers decided to do a little exploring instead.**"

"_They faced several hardships in the dark and spooky woods. First they had to fight an army of goombas! They were everywhere! Crawling out of the ground, jumping out of trees, and even popping out of thin air! But Wario and Waluigi faced them valiantly, stomping on their squishy little heads and making each and every one go poof!_"

"**Then they ran into two annoying little Yoshi's who kept spitting fire at them for no reason!**"

"_After that Wario and Waluigi had to facet evil circus-trained baboons with big, glowing red eyes and teeth so sharp they could cut through a slab of granite!_"

"**That's kind of over-doing it, Waluigi.**"

"_Oh, sorry._"

"**Finally Wario and Waluigi found a small clearing between two oak trees. They happily made their way through the clearing and, much to their delight, discovered a house made completely of…**"

"_Pasta!_"

"**Pasta? In 'Hanzel and Gretel' they find a house made of candy!**"

"_I know, but I hate candy! It's so sweet and delicious and makes small children squeal with delight!_"

"**But it also gives them cavities! Cavities and painful and funny!**"

"_But when you have false teeth like us you don't get cavities._"

"**Good point! A pasta house it is!**"

"_It was gorgeous! The walls were made with lasagna noodles!_"

"**There were bushes of rigatoni! The windows were made of spaghetti! The roof was dripping with alfredo sauce!**"

"_The lawn was covered in ricotta and Parmesan cheese! The mailbox was made of manicotti!_"

"**There were meatballs steps, and Italian sausage railings, and pepperoni bricks!**"

"_Now I'm hungry!_"

"**Me too! Let's ditch this story and get something to eat at the Olive Garden!**"

"_Okie dokie!_"

...

...

.

"**You people are still here? It's been two weeks since we quit writing!**"

"_I guess if they have waited this long we may as well finish the story._"

"**Yeah, but let's hurry up! Their funky smell is making me queasy.**"

"_Where were we? Oh, the pasta house. Mmmmm… you know, I had the best lasagna the other night. The sauce was absolutely to die for! I would love to have some more…_"

"**WALUIGI!**"

"_What?_"

"**You're drooling all over my brand-new shoes!**"

_"Mwehehehehehehehe!_"

"**GRRR!** **ANYWAY, Wario and Waluigi ran up to the house and began eating everything in sight. All the pasta and the cheeses and the sauces were so tasty. Soft… tender… rich… yummy… savory…**"

"_Now YOU'RE drooling all over your new shoes._"

"**Eww! Gross!**"

"_As Wario and Waluigi were eating away at the house, an evil, nasty, disgusting, smelly, puss-oozing, ugly old hag came slithering out of the house!_"

"**I didn't know mom was in this story.**"

"_She isn't. It was Peach!_"

"**Even worse!**"

"_Peach__ walked up to the two stunningly attractive brothers and asked them if they would like to join her inside for a cup of tea and some spaghetti. Naturally, the brother's were so smart they knew she had ulterior motives, so they agreed to join her so they could foil whatever evil scheme she was cooking up! Plus, it wasn't in their nature to pass up free spaghetti! Mwehehehehehe!_"

"**The inside of the house was very similar to the outside. It had pasta all over the place. The tables were made of noodles, the walls were painted with marinara sauce, and the couch was one, big, fluffy piece of ravioli. And it all smelled delicious. The sweet, warm, appealing aroma filled Wario's nostrils and…**"

"_Here we go again! While Wario is busy slobbering on his shoes, I'm gonna continue the story. Peach invited Wario and Waluigi to sit down and munch on some motzarella sticks while she finished preparing the main course. The brothers quickly finished off the food and, still hungry, started eating away at the furniture. Peach came back in, cackled with glee, and asked Wario to help her in the kitchen. Wario agreed, and the moment he walked into the kitchen Peach shoved him in a cage and…_"

"**Why am I the one being shoved into a cage?**"

"_Because I'm the one writing this part of the story._"

"**Well, I want to start writing now!**"

"_No._"

"**Why not?**"

"_Because you're in a cage!_"

"**Damn!**"

"_Peach laughed sinisterly and said, 'Now I'm going to make you and your super model brother eat until you're good and fat! Then I'm going to cook you in that stove right there and EAT YOU UP!'_

_'But why would you want to eat me and my brother, Peach?' Wario asked, beginning to cry."_

"**Hey! I've never cried a day in my life!**"

"_What about that time we rented 'Bambi'?_"

"**I wasn't crying. I just had something in my eye at the exact same moment Bambi's mommy was… sniffle sniffle… EXCUSE ME!**"

"_Mwehehehehehehehe! What a big blubber-ball! Anyway, Peach explained that she wanted to eat Wario and Waluigi because they were the most delicious, tender, and delectable people she ever laid eyes on. Unlike the tough, stringy, and greasy Mario and Luigi. Then, being the stupid bitch that she is, Peach decided to demonstrate exactly how she was going to cook us. She opened the oven door and stuck her head in! Well, at that very moment the super-heroic Waluigi charged into the room, saw what Peach was doing, and…_"

"**WET HIMSELF! GWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! GWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**"

"_HEY!_"

"**While Waluigi was busy changing his overalls, Wario jumped out of the cage. Peach was such an ****idiotic bimbo she forgot to lock it! Geez, you people are seriously worshipping the wrong characters! Anyhow, Wario snuck up behind her and kicked her in her big, fat ass. Peach screamed and stumbled into the oven!**"

"_Then Waluigi pushed Wario out of the way, closed the oven door, and turned the dial to 360 degrees! Peach screamed and screamed, and then she exploded into a mess of green goo!_"

"**Aren't you copying off a scene from 'Gremlins'?**"

"_Shhhh!_"

"**So, with Peach out of the way, Wario and Waluigi grabbed the map that was hanging on her living room wall.**"

"_Why didn't they just take a map to begin with? What was with the rice trail nonsense?_"

"**Um… fairy tales don't use common logic to get from point to point? They're kind of like video games in that way.**"

"_Oh__… okay?_"

"**Moving on:** **Wario and Waluigi ran out of the house.**"

"_But not before eating everything in sight! It was so delicious!_"

"**I know! Just thinking about it is making my mouth water!**"

"_Thinking about Mario in a thong makes your mouth water. Mwhehehehehe!_"

"**WHAT?**"

"_I didn't say anything._"

"**Anyway, to wrap this up, ****Wario and Waluigi followed the map over the river, through the woods, and straight back to their house! They burst in and found Mario and Luigi doing the tango with two blow up dolls.**

**'Hey, what are you guys doing here? We thought we abandoned you in the woods,' Mario exclaimed.**

**'Yeah, we're so stupid we never imagined two people as intelligent as you would find your way back,' Luigi screamed, standing on his head for no apparent reason.**"

**Wario and Waluigi laughed and laughed. Then they killed Mario and Luigi. The town was so happy they honored Wario and Luigi by making June 26th Wario and Waluigi Day! The brothers appeared in Oprah, Letterman, and even Judge Judy talking about how they killed the two annoying plumbers once and for all! Everyone was very impressed. Soon there were T.V. movies, book deals, and video games all recounting the experience.**"

"_Wario and Waluigi became rich and famous, married two gorgeous women named Lulu and Shabangbang, and lived happily ever after!_"

**The En…**

WAIT! Stop right there!

"**You again? How did you manage to untangle the ropes?**"

"_And escape the treasure chest!_"

"**That we tossed into the ocean!**"

"_Made completely of lava!_"

It took several weeks, but with a lot of hard work, mental preparation and determination... Mario found me, untied me, and saved the day - AGAIN!

"**SON OF A BITCH!**"

"_Oh no!_"

That's right! And let me tell you right now, there is no way I'm going to publish what you just wrote!

"**Why not?**"

"_It's the best fairy tale ever written!_"

It's nothing but a bunch of Mario, Luigi, and Peach bashing! There is no prose, no color, and no structure what so ever! First graders could have crafted a better story!

"**Well I never!**"

"_You know, we may say some mean stuff, and that's all in good fun… but what you just said really hurts! [SNIFFLE SNIFFLE SNORT]_"

Huh? I… well… look, I'm sorry. Maybe if I edit it a bit, kind of give it some flavor, add my own personal touch to it, we can go ahead and publish it. Deal?

"**Aww, gee, you are a nice guy after all!**"

"_Man, this guy is wimpier than I ever imagined! What a push-over!_"

"**SHHHH!**"

Uh… right. Okay then, I guess there's only one thing left to do – officially end this story!

**The En…**

"Hey, wait a minute!"

Mario?

"Yeah, it's-a me! How come those two fools get to write their own story and I was stuck with what you wrote? I want to write the fairy tale!"

But Mario, that was the last one. I'm sorry, if I had know you wanted to write something I would have gladly let you.

"And what about me? I want to write a story too!"

Luigi?

"So do we!"

Peach? Toad? BOWSER?

"Me 2! I wont 2 rite a stori 2!"

Crazy Joe?

"C'mon! It's only fair!"

Look guys, I'm sorry but this is the end of 'Fractured Fairy Tales Starring Mario'. I'll gladly let you all contribute to the next story I write, but I'm closing the book on this one – no pun intended. Surely you all understand.

…

Guys? Hey, come on guys don't look at me like that. You know I love you all.

…

Okay, this isn't funny any more. Mario, drop that rope! Peach! Toad! Put the duct tape back where you found it! Bowser, close the treasure chest right this second! Wario? Waluigi? HELP!

"**GWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**"

"_Mwehehehehehehehehehe!_"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**The End**


	8. Epilogue

**Epilogue **

"And so Mario, Luigi, and all their friends lived happily ever after. The End!" The little mushroom boy closed the book and set it on his nightstand.

He crawled out of bed, gave his mother a peck on the cheek, and allowed her to continue sleeping in the rocking chair. He then crept over to the T.V., flipped it on, turned the volume waaaaaaaaay down, and started a new game of Super Mario Brothers.

Mario had just swam his way into the final chamber and was waiting patiently for the hammer brother guard to get sick of just throwing hammers like an idiot and attack. After a while, the hammer brother began charging (well, it was more like a casual walk at the speed of a snail) at Mario. Mario jumped on its head, killing it, and leaped over the final pit of lava onto Bowser's runway.

"So Bowser, we meet again," the boy whispered, using his best Mario voice.

"Yes we do," Bowser said, shooting hammers from his forehead.

"It's time to say goodbye," Mario shouted, taking a running leap clean over Bowser's head. He released the axe/key. The floor fell from beneath Bowser.

Suddenly, the T.V. went dead.

"OH NO, not again," the boy squealed, spinning around. He threw his controller on the floor and pouted.

"Aww, dad!"

Standing in the doorway was a very tall, very handsome mushroom person. His arms were folded across his chest. He looked stern, but was trying his hardest to surpress laughter. (You know the way dads act when they try to be disciplinarians and just can't cut it).

"C'mon sport," he said kindly, swooping his son into his arms. "You can try and beat Bowser tomorrow."  
  
"I've already beaten him twice tonight! I just haven't been able to save Princess Peach!"

The dad gently nudged his wife. She stirred for a few seconds, then bolted upright in the chair.

"Please don't paint the coffee table purple, I just had it waxed" she shouted.

The boy and his dad stared at her perplexedly. When she noticed their concerned expressions, she blushed and said, "Sorry, I was having a bad dream."

"You don't say!"

"I caught our little rascal playing Nintendo way past his bedtime," the dad said, tucking his son into bed. "Looks like he inherited some of his old man's mischief genes, huh?"

"Great," the mother groaned. "He could have inherited my sense of responsibility, but that would have made life too easy. I swear if I had hair it would already be gray."

"Mommy, Daddy, will you guys read me another story?" the little boy asked, his eyes growing to the size of saucers.

"Nice try," the mother said icily. "But I think it's time you go to sleep all by yourself."

"Drats."

The little boy's mother and father kissed him on the forehead, said their goodnights, got him a glass of water, sang him a lullaby, and quietly closed his bedroom door.

"You were reading him Mario's Fractured Fairy Tales," the mushroom man asked as they quietly walked across the hall to their bedroom.

"Yep! It's a great book," the woman shrugged. "I used to read it every night before I went to sleep. It really brings back some great memories."

"It sure does," the man agreed. He then impulsively swept his wife into his arms and carried her to the bed.

"Thomas, what's gotten into you," the woman squealed as he planted a passionate kiss on his lips.

"Nothing! It was just a long day at work," the man said, putting his wife down and hugging her. "Working at the stables isn't getting any easier, that's for sure."  
  
The woman chuckled softly, kissed her husband, and simply said, "I love you, Thomas!"

"I love you too, Calendria."

And they all lived happily ever after

**The End **


End file.
